Five intimate questions about IVF

There are hundreds of websites on information about IVF, ways to find out whether you are ready for IVF, the medical questions you should ask your doctor about IVF etc. However, here we shall see five intimate questions about IVF which you should ask yourself and personal fears which you should resolve within yourself, before embarking upon the journey.

1. Are you sure you want a baby? What if it is twins or triplets?  As ridiculous as this may sound to a couple waiting to get pregnant and trying for many years, this is the first question you should ask yourself. Parenting a baby is a blessing, it is fun, and it is a huge responsibility. If you are doing IVF there is a very good chance that you might conceive multiples- twins, triplets or more, babies, especially if the cause of your infertility is primarily low sperm count or motility. So, ask yourself-  
   • Are you financially well placed to handle both expected and unexpected expenses of IVF? 
   • If you conceive multiples do you have enough support from friends and family? Because parenting multiples is a huge task, at least for the first first three years.
   • When you take help from friends and family, it is a commitment. The bridge goes both ways. Also understand that they are helping you because they love you, and your yet to be born baby. Be grateful not for their help, but for their love.
   • Are you ready to take a lot of time-off from work, may be give up on some advancements in your career for a few years? Possibly either you or your spouse will need to stay home. Decide who will take temporary leave from job and stay at home to look after the babies. Are you both comfortable with that decision? Because in future there is a good chance that you might feel you are sacrificing your life/career while your spouse is not. No matter how much I say this, you may not give this aspect enough importance now, but you should.
   • There is statistical proof that many marriages bite the dust after a multiple pregnancy and delivery. The possible reasons and solutions we shall discuss in a future post. The question that you ask yourself now is, is your marriage strong enough to withstand the possible stresses that may result from IVF? 
   I am not trying here to scare you. On the other hand I am trying o encourage you. Some marriages bond in much stronger ways after a multiple pregnancy and delivery. So do the bonds with family and friends. And after 3-4 years you can get back to your work, uplift your career. Parenting is fun, it also helps your creativity, and thus the prospects of your success in life! So, go for it! This post on my decision to have a baby might interest you.
2. What if IVF fails? Which brings us to our second question- what if IVF fails? Are you ready to handle the grief, the disappointment? Also the lost money? There are many institutions and groups which offer emotional support. But the first support should come from within you, and from your spouse. Prayer and meditation can help a lot. Remember three things- (1). Whatever happens, happens for a reason, happens for good. Count your blessings. (2). Being childless is not the end of life, you have your life, your hobbies, career, travel, books, love and romance. Even having a pet can help quite a lot. Do not be disheartened. (3).  Adoption is an option you have. If you are really ready and willing to be a parent, biology is no barrier- you can always love a baby- any baby- with all your heart, the fulfillment is not an iota less. 
3. Do you have a pet? A pet dog, cat, bird or fish can relieve your stress quite a lot. I would highly recommend having and loving one, before starting the IVF journey.
4. Are you scared of needles? Scared that IVF will hurt? Well, I was. I was dead-scared. And this is what I learned from my experience- (1) Share your fear. Tell anyone who would listen about your fear. They might make fun of you, but there is a good chance that many of them might be having the same fear. If you tell the doctor or the nurse about the fear, they will be gentle in handling the situation, distracting you from the pain. So, don't be shy to share the fear. (I have been made fun of and laughed at, for fearing the needle at this age, being a professional, a teacher and all- and now, a mother of three! Well, I am scared, and that is that). You can distract yourself by thinking about the happiest and most exciting experiences of your life, about your romantic adventures etc. Apart from the regular shots, there are a few tests that might hurt during IVF. For embryo transfer, most possibly you will be put under anesthesia. For me, I was put under general anesthesia, so I did not even know about what happened. On the whole, in my experience, I expected a LOT of pain, but thankfully it was very minimal. So take heart. (The story in detail is given in my older posts. See http://tripletshouse.blogspot.in/2011/06/ivf.html). This webpage has some great tips- http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-a-Fear-of-Needles
   
5. What about future side-effects? I am not a medical expert, but from my personal experience, I have had no side effects at all from IVF. My triplet pregnancy and OHSS caused problems, but nothing was carried over to future. However, understand that this is your body and your life, so discuss all your medical conditions and possible side effects with your doctor first.

On the whole, my personal recommendation is that, if your answer to the first question is a yes, then, go for it! IVF is not half as scary as you might expect, and it is worth the try. 
Do you have any other personal or intimate question about IVF you would like to share? We will discuss if you just post it in the comments column. If you want you can post anonymously too.

Hindsight thoughts on IVF

I got a few emails from friends saying they could not access my earlier posts on IVF, OHSS and triplet pregnancy. The comments column was not working either it seems, and I have corrected all that. So I thought of this post with links to all previous posts and a few random Hindsight thoughts on IVF. Here is the link to the story of my decision to have a baby. If you like the page, please leave a comment.

There is a reason why you are reading this page now. You are waiting to get pregnant, contemplating IVF, and most probably you are a Keralite- Malayali. You are confused whether you should do IVF, whether IVF is painful, where you should do it, whether it will be a success, whether IVF has any future side effects,and many more related doubts. I think I might have a few tips for you. There are hundreds of websites on information about IVF, ways to find out whether you are ready for IVF, the medical questions you should ask your doctor about IVF etc. However, there are some very personal and intimate questions you should ask yourself before IVF too, and some intimate fears about IVF, for which you should find solutions before embarking upon the journey like my five intimate questions about ivf. My IVF was a horror story, not because of any reason that you might think of. I used to have a terrible fear of needles (still have some)! I was dead scared of the so-called pain during embryo transfer. I was not sure of the side effects of the hormone treatment for IVF. I was not sure if it was the right decision- whether I should wait more to conceive naturally. And worst of all, I wasn't even sure if I was ready for a baby! And no, none of these was the reason why my IVF was a horror story! It was because of the severe spontaneous Ovarian Hyper stimulation Syndrome (OHSS) due to my triplet pregnancy. It is not common at all, so you really do not need to worry about it. Here is the story of my IVF and the horrors of my spontaneous Ovarian Hyper stimulation Syndrome.

Five hindsight thoughts on IVF

If your answer to the first question in my five intimate questions about ivf is a yes, then you can look at the next four questions. Once you come to terms with your doubts and fears, you can start your IVF cycle. However here are a few things I learned after doing my IVF and going through my triplets pregnancy.

1. When you have faith, you will bring the umbrella. May be you have heard this story of faith-The community began to worry deeply about the prolonged drought. The religious leaders of the town met and agreed to call for a combined day of prayer about rain. They asked their congregations to gather together in the one large meeting house the following day. As the anxious town people settled in their seats, the ministers took turns pleading the cause for rain on behalf of all present. they suddenly heard a deep rumble of thunder, an appearance of dark clouds in the distance , and then the sound of rain on the roof. They were all overjoyed. But they were just as surprised to see that as they walked out through the rain to their cars only one person out of the entire group had brought an umbrella—a young girl whose faith had been so sure she had taken appropriate action.

When you do IVF, believe that you will get pregnant. It is also possible that you might need a bed rest, at least for a few weeks- possible, not definite. So do all the necessary arrangements for taking leave from work, and try to line up the help you will need from family and friends.

2. You are not the expert- your doctor is. So leave the tough decisions to him. There is nothing you can do to make IVF and ICSI successful. But you can and should definitely talk to the doctor about yourself, and also discuss how many embryos are going to be transferred, how many will be frozen, what will happen to the frozen ones if they do not need to be used etc. 

3. Once you are done with the first cycle, go about your daily life as usual. Have faith, but do not count the chickens before they hatch. No need to plan your nursery or buy toys before you hear the great news. If the cycle does not work out, it will cause grief and disappointment if you have done too much planning.

4. If you have bloating belly, vomiting and nausea, you might be suffering from OHSS. If it is mild, it is OK. But if it is unbearable, seek immediate medical help.

5. Document your experience. Each IVF and each pregnancy is unique. Write down your experiences- physical, emotional, everything. Even if the results turn out negative. Someday it might help someone else. Even if it does not, you can always go back to it and after a few years, trust me, you will be very thankful that you documented it.

My posts on the story of my IVF and spontaneous Ovarian Hyper stimulation Syndrome show how the documenting part helped me!

Why don't you share your experience of infertility journey, IVF, pregnancy etc in the comments section?

OHSS after IVF and pregnancy

I did not have to undergo anymore tapping.  I got my release from SICU on 1^st July, and presently got shifted to room 408. On 30^th June I requested doctor if I could be discharged. He said no way, if he had admitted me the first time- the morning of my OHSS start- the situation would not have become so complex, now there was no way he would discharge me and send me home until he was very sure that everything was stable. Anyway he said I can be shifted to the room, and SisG bid good bye saying that let there never again be another stay at SICU.

Thus began a new routine. My parents would bring breakfast from home (an hour away) every day and when they reached Ramesh would leave for office. Lunch was  arranged to be brought from a nearby hotel, and in the evening when Ramesh came,  my parents would leave. Ramesh would bring tender coconut every day. Every morning before breakfast my blood sample was taken for testing Beta hCG. Initially five bottles of Albumin was given as IV every day (Albumin from Reliance, called Alburel. It actually costs only about Rs.1800/- per bottle, but after all the overheads etc., the hospital gives it at Rs.5000/- per bottle!). Later this became three bottles per day and was stopped gradually, along with saline IV.

Finally, since Beta hCG was doubling properly and OHSS stopped, I got discharged today. Doctor scheduled the next visit for 11^th, and said that I should not leave for Chennai before that. I am worried, but trying to relax since full-fledged classes would not start before 11^th , hopefully.

NEXT...Precious threesome

OHSS after IVF - Bloating stomach and paracentesis

When I was admitted I never thought I’d spend so many days here.. Anyway, I am still here. In the first few days here I could not completely believe it that I was really pregnant. It is only when the sisters who come on a regular basis to check my vitals take a look at my file and comment something like ‘Won’t the baby be hungry? You should eat something, no?’, that I actually believe that I might indeed be pregnant. I befriended most of the nurses, especially the head nurse SisG, who is about 30 and the mother of two school going kids. She had passed IELTS and had a UK work visa but somehow could not go. This made me respect her even more. The other nurses were also quite friendly and helpful except for a few. I spent my days watching the variety of patients coming and going from SICU, and their behavior. They watched me curiously from a distance because I looked so much at home sitting and walking and calling nurses by their names and talking to them and laughing and all. My mind was numb because I did not want to think about all the work I had to do, especially regarding my course, job etc.

A second paracentesis was needed the day after I got admitted itself, that is the very next day after the first tapping, on 26^th. This was done in the afternoon, 3 pm, I think. In the morning when DrTC came, he checked my Beta HCG and said there is a high probability that I have twins. It had become a routine to look forward to the blood test every day morning, and to see beta HCG count mounting. I felt thrilled at the prospect of having twins, but doctor warned me against over hopefulness. When I was taken to OT for tapping in the afternoon, plasma IV was given along with saline. During tapping my body started itching, as if I was being bitten by mosquitoes. I complained many times to the doctor that mosquitoes were biting me in the OT during tapping. Now that I think about it, it is to their credit and the way they cared, that they did not laugh at me, though the doctor just said that OT is free of mosquitoes, even free of bacteria. Then I realized the stupidity of my complaint, and rephrased it to say that I feel allergic to the bed sheet. Then my body started swelling here and there, and DrA, the young and cheerful general physician who was in charge of the IV said that it was an allergic reaction to plasma.(I didn’t feel one bit conscious of the fact that a handful of people, men and women, mostly of my age group itself, were present in the OT during tapping. I had not felt any awkwardness even before, when I was having ovum pick up or embryo transfer. They were all very professional, and I did not feel any more embarrassment than I would have felt if they were looking at my hands. I noticed that DrA turned away when the nurses pulled the sheet from my legs to start tapping, and I assumed that he must have joined recently, and might not come often to see this kind of procedure. On the other hand during my treatment with DrTC, he rushed to the OT one day saying that he wanted to see a particular delivery in progress because he wanted to watch a particular gynecologist at work. These young doctors shared their knowledge, and shared the opportunities they had to learn new information from each other’s case patients). That day also, the painful part was cleaning the pelvic area. Everything else went well, and approximately 3 liters of fluid was drained. At one moment I laughed at some joke someone cracked, and jerked slightly, and felt something sharp against my skin: 'shh don’t move', said DrTC, and I saw him look at me with sudden concern. (I don’t know if my skin was cut, or if something else happened,  but later in the years that followed, whenever there is a brief but sharp pain in the pelvic area, I regret that moment).

After the tapping I was brought back to SICU and DrA gave me an Avil injection for the plasma allergy. Drowsy darkness washed over me, such intense sleep, that my eyes were instantly shut from the effect of Avil. Rght then my parents reached from Alappuzha. Amma came to see me at SICU. My eyes kept closing, my body was still swollen, and I was tired from the tapping. Amma got really frightened seeing me in that condition. I told her what the doctor said in the morning- about the possibility of twins. I expected her to jump with joy, but she remained unhappy and worried about me.  She said that Ramesh had already given the news, and that he was really excited and happy. Then she left and I slipped into a sort of coma. 

The next tapping was done two days later, on 28^th noon time. I was determined to get two days between the tappings, like the doctor said, and I barely got it. He had instructed me to exercise slightly by walking a little, and every day I walked as much as I could inside SICU. At least one hour each every morning,evening and night. Besides this, when there was no one to occupy the bed on my right side, which was at the far end of the nurses station, I used to go behind the curtain there and jog and jump slightly, just to reduce the heavy, full feeling in my stomach. In order to stop the IV saline I started drinking 5-5.5 liters of water daily, including tender coconut and my daily couple of cups of tea. However try as I may I could not get myself to eat the egg whites. Hospital canteen had good rice gruel, and I forced it inside. I hate gruel, however good. All this effort had only one aim- I desperately wanted to get discharged from hospital before 8^th July, Friday, and reach Chennai before 11^th, when classes would start, since I could not afford to break the course. My mind was set upon release. I had no idea how silly I was to even faintly assume this possible. Thus the days in SICU were hard work, sincere, tough effort both physically and mentally, to get over OHSS. SICU was not very strict in my visiting hours unless there was a patient who needed solitary care, and I had four visits every day-Ramesh came every morning and night with breakfast and dinner, and mother and father came every noon and evening with lunch and tea. The food smelled delicious each time, with mouth watering mango pickle, but my taste buds were not functioning. So I just smelled the food heartily, tried to eat mightily by reading Archies and Balarama and all (for which DrTC and DrA regularly teased me saying that this is what they teach at Engineering Colleges), but still everything tasted bad and worse, my stomach could not take anything in. The nurses’ company was good fun, DrTC came twice everyday (including Sunday when he came with his new wife- a pediatrician), still I felt lonely and just wanted to get back home somehow, and move on. May be, if it was not my QIP course period, but my vacation during college, or leave during college/office, I would not have minded the stay, probably would have even enjoyed all the attention, but that was not to be.

Today (30-6-11) when doctor came, he was ready for the fourth tapping. I was taking my regular walking exercises, and I thought he would appreciate that. He did not, and he even looked a little concerned about the way I was exerting. I said I don’t need the tapping and he suddenly looked skeptical. How come you are all right so suddenly, he demanded. Then he checked and understood that it was not that the fluid was not there, but just that my body was adjusting to it, the strain was still there inside the stomach. He checked beta HCG also and was satisfied and left. Later I asked SisG to inform doctor that I felt heavy and would like a tapping. Doctor came, checked and said that we’d wait for a few hours, and if the heaviness lessens we would not tap, let’s not introduce foreign stuff into the body unnecessarily. The heaviness and bloating was not my imagination, it was very real, he said. But because my abdomen muscles were strong the girth of belly was not increasing beyond a limit, and that did not mean that the strain was not there. However it was best to wait for some time. So here I am, waiting to see how it will all go.

NEXT...Back Home

OHSS after IVF pregnancy - paracentesis

We did IVF- ICSI and conceived!. Read here about the IVF
Then started the OHSS symptoms.

26-06-2011    10 pm

Yesterday (25th) late at night, a nurse came to put IV cannula and tried to get a vein in both my hands so they can administer various drugs along with saline IV during tapping (The process of draining excess amniotic fluid in case of severe OHSS is called paracentesis). Ramesh had told me during the day that a fluid called Albumin had to be administered during tapping. It was very expensive and hospital did not have enough bottles in stock, so it had to be bought from outside. Albumin is thick and solidifies very fast in the vein and that’s why they needed both hands’ veins. It proved to be very difficult. My veins just won’t show. Two or three junior nurses tried by sticking needles at various parts of my hands. I cried out in pain, tears flowing down my cheeks. I felt lonely, helpless and miserable. Midnight, all alone, pain shooting through me, I wept. They did not do it deliberately, they were just inexperienced. They called another nurse from a nearby ward and she was slightly more experienced. (I would later see all these girls many times over, learn their names, and befriend them). At long last they managed to find two veins and left after putting the cannula.

At around 7 a.m., I was taken in a stretcher to the operation theater. A group of nurses came along, I closed my eyes and one nurse was saying, ’..I was planning to take a break today- Saturday, and this darn tapping..’ She did not realize that I was listening to her. When I saw the Operation Theater, I was scared suddenly, but then the thought that this immense bloating in the stomach could be relieved made me feel better. One hand cannula had IV saline fluid and the other had Albumin. Doctor came with big gang of nurses. One elderly sister whom I met yesterday night came forward to clean the vaginal area. Although it was shaved for embryo transfer, she had given it a quick shave last night. Now she came with Betadine solution or some such thing and put both my legs up so she could have easy access and view. She then dipped cotton in the antiseptic solution and cleaned inside out. It was like the area was burning. The unexpected pain made me cry out.  Doctor tried to calm me by saying that if it s not done it might cause infection inside. I trusted him but the pain would not stop. Both my hands and legs were firmly held by nurses and there were strainers too. Still I moved horribly. It must have looked like a movie scene where they administer electric shock to mentally unstable people. But the pain was only during the wash. The moment the cotton was removed the pain stopped and I breathed. The whole process might have lasted 2 minutes at most. Then doctor inserted a catheter in the vagina to the uterus. It hurt, but only very slightly. He was looking at an ultrasound scanner while placing it, and then the tapping started.

DrTC explained to me that Paracentesis is the process of removing or draining excess amniotic fluid in the uterus. When the baby starts growing inside, a lot of hormone is produced which causes more amniotic fluid to be generated, especially if there is a history of hormone induced infertility treatments, and/or if there is more than one baby. This excess fluid sometimes comes out from the thin vessels and starts filling up in the stomach and sometimes even in the lungs. This excess fluid needs to be removed, at the same time making sure that there is enough fluid to ensure the baby’s survival. This fluid generation gradually stops in a week or two, but if it stops abruptly before that, it means that something is wrong with the baby inside, most probably it is dead, and one can expect a period in 2-3 days. And because of this one cannot pray that ‘Oh God, Please stop this fluid filling..’  It is a good thing, and a horrible thing, at the same time.

It took around 30-45 minutes to finish the tapping. During the time a few doctors came and left the OT. DrTC was talking to me and to the nurses in general, cracking some jokes and talking about movies and all. Last night he watched ‘Salt and Pepper’ it seems, and ‘Adaminte Makan’ which was made by all youngsters except the hero Salim Kumar, and still turned out to be a great movie, he was saying. Slowly, gradually,the heaviness and uneasiness in my stomach lessened. I felt much better by the end of the process,though not fully recovered. That day 3.5 liters of fluid was removed. I saw the fluid filled in bottles and it looked like blood. Doctor instructed the nurses to test the nature and culture of the fluid, whatever that meant. They attached a urine bag and catheter to my bladder to check my kidney functioning and urine color (Last night at GICU I put a lot of effort to urinate, and red liquid only came out. Doctor had seen it and instructed the nurse to collect, measure and test it. During the whole night I passed 2-3 times , each time 5-10 ml at the most, and blood red in color). The insertion of the catheter and urine bag hurt, but only a bit. It was like an expert job. But the thought that this bag was attached to me was very uncomfortable. I was taken outside and I was dead tired. I longed to go to the GICU and lie down so Ramesh also can be bystander there. Instead I was taken to the Surgical ICU where DrTC came with the urologist DrKM who is a very well known expert doctor and also my friend's husband. Presently he looked at the red urine in the bag, gave some medication through the drip (I could not see what he was doing), and soon the urine became clear. ‘Don’t worry, I think she’s started producing urine’, DrKM told DrTC who looked absolutely relieved at the news and said a heartfelt ‘Thank you’. (Only later when Ramesh said I realized that DrTC was anxious that probably my kidneys failed after dehydration from the vomiting, and was thinking that in that case, I should be shifted to some multi-specialty hospital. By God’s grace, that was not needed.)

I am given the bed facing the door in SICU. There is one bed to my left and two to my right, and again a nurses’ station and a toilet. The room is nice, the nurses are quite friendly. I can see people moving outside when the curtain is not drawn, and I can see all the traffic to and from the room. There is a picture of Lord Ganesha on the wall across me and I can lie down looking at it. Doctor gave some instructions to the nurse there, and told me that I should eat egg whites and drink a lot of water. Albumin and IV fluid is constantly being injected inside. Albumin causes blood to clot in the vein, and so it needs to be constantly shifted. Getting a vein is so difficult and this is causing a lot of pain for me, but never like the one at the first time in GICU, mostly because the nurses here are more experienced. I told Ramesh about details of the tapping, and he is sitting outside and typing away.

NEXT.. Paracentesis

IVF in Kerala - I am pregnant!

I am pregnant!
We did IVF- ICSI and are waiting for the blood test results. Read here about the IVF
Then started the OHSS symptoms.

24-06-2011   11pm

That was not the last night :) I survived it. Early in the morning on 24th I was shifted to Gynecology ICU. Next when I woke up daylight was filtering in. I was in a long and narrow room,with a few other beds and a toilet. Ramesh was sitting next to me, and DrTC had arrived. Seeing my condition he must have regretted not admitting me yesterday morning itself. My body was still not hydrated enough even with all the IV, and they were frightened that there was a chance my kidneys might fail. (They did not tell me that then- only after many days). Then a nurse came with the blood test result, and DrTC said, ‘it’s positive’.

Wham. That simple. A sentence I was longing to hear for so long, for eight years, and it was uttered and heard- just like that. And we could not even properly understand.. Where were all those fireworks supposed to be happening when I heard it, where was the rain inside to cool my heart and soul? Where were the thousand dreams jumping and rushing and coming all together? Where was the joy- absolute, pure, indescribable joy? Nothing. We just stayed there listening. He was saying, ‘It is not yet the day to test blood for beta HCG, but even today the count is much above normal. On 28th only Beta HCG should be reaching count 100, but today it is already 40, and it doubles every 24 hours, so definitely on 28^th it’ll be much more than 100. The high beta HCG count shows that there is a chance that you are having twins- but don’t tell anyone yet. You might have to get an abortion if OHSS become severe and dangerous..’ Even that did not make much sense except that I prayed to God-'oh God, Please let my baby/ies be unharmed…'

Doctor said that as a result of OHSS, there is excess amniotic fluid in me which had to be tapped out. Tapping is scheduled to be done tomorrow morning. I spent today whole day on the bed in a state of semi consciousness. The constant IV drip ensured rehydration of my body little by little. Luckily they allowed a bystander during the day and Ramesh stayed till night until they ordered him out. 

NEXT..Draining the excess fluid

IVF in Kerala - OHSS after IVF

OHSS after IVF - stomach bloating and vomiting

We did IVF- ICSI and are waiting for the blood test results. Read here about the IVF

23-06-2011   1 pm

Today morning started with an unbearably upset stomach and vomiting. My stomach is bloated like a solid mass. Ramesh took leave and we went to the hospital in the morning itself. Doctor did a scan and said it was OHSS like we suspected. He sat with us and told us that this is a good symptom, usually it happens when pregnancy is positive. It will cause some mild uneasiness, but just bear it and it will soon go. If I complain too much, it can even cause a problem with the pregnancy- a good thing that is about to happen may just not happen. If the pregnancy test shows negative, then in 2-3 days the symptoms will go and with the next period everything will be the same again (I could not bear to think of having another period before nine months). Don’t take any medicine, just go home and relax- don’t get yourself admitted in the hospital, he said. I felt relieved, happy and hopeful. I did not want to get admitted. We reached home and my husband left for office. This stomach cramps and bloating is becoming too much. Its OK, it’s OK- I keep telling my body. I am trying to relax.

24-06-2011       3 am

23rd June, early evening, the symptoms started again..vomiting, pains, stomach cramps, nausea, bloating and fullness. And then it became unbearable. I went online again, even those websites advised not to worry, it will go. I messaged  DrTC, and again he replied telling me to relax. Ramesh came back from office, and tried to make me drink water, but whatever I ate or drank just came out as such. I could not hold anything inside. We were both sitting on the bed in our bedroom, Ramesh was bringing many things like fruits, coffee and tender coconut..I could not have anything though I really wanted to. I took a sip of the sweet tender coconut, and suddenly it came out and I ran to the bathroom. I was exhausted. I could not even lie down. Night approached, and the vomit in my mouth tasted like some antibiotic. At around 10pm I had nothing left in me, and I vomited something red. (We suspected it was blood and I got very anxious and scared). Ramesh was massaging my back when I vomited, and he decided enough was enough- ‘Come,we’ll go to hospital. We need not wait any longer’. We drove to the hospital and reached at around 11 pm. (Even in that horrific stage I enjoyed the cold night drive through the city …as always). As soon as we reached I was taken to the labor room and admitted. The large room had around 10 beds with a nurses’ station and two toilets. The lady doctor in charge had a slight Non-Malayalee accent to her Malayalam, and she asked if I was pregnant. I said I wasn’t sure, just had my IVF. She wanted some urine for testing, and gave me a small plastic container to collect it. My body was completely dehydrated and I tried desperately to get 5 ml urine in the bottle. The nurse who took it from me gave an amused grin on seeing the quantity. They started giving me IV fluid drip. I requested the lady doctor to please inform DrTC. She called up and spoke to him, then came and gave some injection. In my half consciousness I felt that this might be my last night on earth. There was a sense of adventure to that thought, a wild thrill. Everything about the hospital became science fiction in my imagination and I thought about my poor husband waiting outside, about the love and bond we share, about the probable presence of a baby inside me, about my parents who would be so scared and yet impressed by my courage to face these things (since they know how weak and scared I am to even think about a hospital or an injection- and here I was getting loads of them, a drip and what not). I vomited again, lying down there. My whole body seems like it has stopped all functioning and I get this feeling that I might die soon, in the early morning hours, as it is long past midnight.

NEXT...OHSS

IVF in Kerala

Hopes and Dreams after IVF
We did IVF- ICSI and are waiting for the blood test results. Read here about the IVF
22-06-2011  2pm

The blood test is scheduled to be on 28-06-11. My classes will start on 02-07-11. I can probably take a week off, if it is needed, and ask my friend to pay my fees for me. I am anxious to get back, finish the course in flying colors. It is quite enjoyable, the experience of getting on the other side of the teaching platform again, to listen to those wonderful classes,and more than anything the friendships..Sari and Eva are filling a large part of my heart, I am enjoying each moment with them..going to canteen, doing the assignments, sharing the tensions, and talking endlessly..and I very much love my single room in the paying guest house, I like the owner of the house and it is too good to have Sari share the same accommodation. All in all the past year was like a dream, a pure joyful one at that..and in my mind I have absolutely no trace of doubt that the next year will be no different. I will return in July, come what may. It is good to be pregnant and studying, and when I finish the course, I don’t have to come back to the same old house shared by just the two of us..we will have a lovely little baby with us, to share everything we have, and to spread immeasurable joy in our lives..we will shift to my workplace so I won't have to travel anymore..may be my parents will come to stay with us for a while, and in the nights, we will all sit in the cool verandah and talk at length about everything..my parents’ lives, my life, our love story, our married life, our baby, and everything…My baby will make us all laugh contentedly with his/her giggles and sweet nothingness..oh God, please let it all happen..please let me be pregnant this time..please let me not see red stains on my undergarments this month too, and get that hopeless despair.Please let me see two lines on the self-check stick for pregnancy..and please let me get gold medal for my P.G..please God please..

On 28^th, the result of blood test should show betahCG above 100. Then I am positive. According to DrTC, there is no reason why it shouldn't be positive. He says this is the most ideal case of the month.there were eight embryos in all, two were discarded,three are frozen, and three were put back into my uterus.all embryos are healthy,I am quite healthy and capable of getting pregnant,in fact a lot like soil ready with all the nutrients and rain and everything, just waiting for a seed to fall on to it so it can blossom and reproduce. I am slightly unhappy that he transferred only three embryos. What is the chance of success? Anyway better three than two. Is there a chance that I’ll get twins? Likely..oohh..then it’ll be too good..one boy and one girl? Wow, that is only a dream,and I am even afraid to dream and hope, lest something might happen..

After the embryo transfer I am very hungry..could be that I am sitting idly at home watching movies,reading fiction,going online etc. and waiting for Ramesh to come from office so we can go out. A maid comes to cook and clean. Mily is here giving me company all day. I miss Karikkatta, our black kitten, who died recently. Mostly I lie down on the sofa and watch HBO or Star movies. Today is 22^nd, and there is ‘Hiss’ in Star plus. I had wanted to watch that movie for sometime..Mallika Sherawat turning into a snake or something. It s at 11pm, now it is only afternoon. I just had stomach full of rice, spicy sambar and very spicy pickle. There is a cramp in the stomach, a burning feeling. Must be the pickle. Stomach feels really full. Sort of like the feeling before ovulation. Ovulation time is medically manipulated, so this cramp doesn’t have anything to do with either ovulation or menstruation. This must be the pickle only..much like the burn from too much spice.

22-06-2011   11.30 pm

I feel like vomiting. I am online, searching the symptoms, and I find that I might be having something called OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulationsyndrome),caused by too much hormone within me.It has three stages-mild,moderate and severe.this must be the mild stage..it ll be ok. I was watching this ‘ Hiss’ movie, and it can make even normal stomachs to throw up with the slithering cobra coming out of the woman and stuff. So I switched off and went to sleep, constantly disturbed by nightmares and uneasiness in stomach. Once I vomited, then went back to sleep. Got up again, and here I am, looking for OHSS symptoms. I guess I should go back to sleep.

NEXT...I am terrified!