A sad note

My mother in law passed away recently. Now there is a deep void in our life, a loss we are yet unable to accept, an overwhelming sadness. However this post is on my triplets response to the sadness and loss. How does the death of a loved one affect a four year old child? Does he really understand what death is, that it is permanent? I think they do, their grief is real, and their love, unconditional.

My triplets (one month shy of 4-year old) were very fond of  her. They met her for the first time when they were two months or so old. As toddlers they were not very friendly with relatives whom they see only once in a while. However, to her they had a surprising affection, which was quite mutual. From the beginning they behaved as if they had always known her- they chattered in the very friendly and familiar way. She was unwell and bedridden for the last year or so, and we used to visit her occasionally, about once in two months. Whenever they saw her they gave her water in a glass to drink, placing the glass near her lips, sat with her and sang nursery rhymes, told her stories of their nursery friends. On most of the days at home they used to refer to her, about something that she said, or something they imagined about her. They called her Dodda, meaning grandmother in Tulu. Probably their love for her came from the fact that their father adored her, or probably from the unexplained bonding of blood. In the last few months she could not even sit up without help, and my kids visited her for the last time, about a month back. We were planning another visit in the weekend, when the tragedy happened. At first we didn't know whether and how to tell the kids about it.

Balu with Dodda

Raman with Dodda

Now, I knew that they had an idea what death was. Their first encounter with it came when a kitten in our house- a tiny one, one week old- died due to birth problems. They saw how she was not moving, how dad buried her. Afterwards when they saw 'Lion King', they were very sad when Mufasa died, and they became hopeful later when Mufasa came in the clouds to lead Simba towards the right way. Still later they saw 'Spider-Man 3' in which Harry Osborn died and was buried. The ever-curious trio asked me for explanations, how the kitten was buried without a coffin whereas Harry had it, how come Harry or the kitten did not appear in the clouds etc. I told them the difference between burying an animal and a human, and that everyone who did good would have a place among the stars, but their loved ones could see them when they really, really needed them for guidance. My mother told them about rebirth- when one person dies, the soul could be reborn, and the cycle could continue. This satisfied them. Surprisingly, the concept of the mortal body, the immortal soul and rebirth did not confuse them at all! They also learned about heaven and hell, God and Devil, from (can you believe it?) 'Tom&Jerry'- in one of the stories called 'Heavenly Pass', they show Tom seeing both Heaven, Hell and the Devil. This particular cartoon educated them quite a lot, when we had a chance to discuss how the virtues on earth leads one to heaven, how wrong-doing, which essentially means harming someone or deliberately causing sorrow to someone, leads one to hell etc. Then again, they were familiar with stories of Ramayana where Jadayu, Sampathi, Baali, Kumbhakarna and Ravana die.

Thus, arming myself to face untimely and loud questioning, I took the trio to pay respect to their Dodda, to give a drop of theertham (holy water) to her still lips. They stared at the body and asked why she was lying on the floor and not on the cot, why there were lit lamps near her. When I softly and gently told them that she was no more, it took a while for them to digest it. There was surprise, a little fear, then the effort to comprehend it. They did not cry. They looked at her face for a long, long time, and watched all the procedures for the funeral. Gradually the cloud lifted, and they were back to their innocent selves. They started talking to each other assuring each other that Dodda's soul must be in Heaven, with God now, or possibly with the stars. She might take a rebirth too. No one but me completely understood what they were saying in their kiddish chit-chat. All this made me feel guilty for taking them there because the mourning sons, daughters and in-laws, including their own parents were finding it difficult to hold back tears and the loud chatter was so out of place. But then I had to do that, too. I had to make sure that they knew what happened to their beloved Dodda, else they might wonder about it when they visit her house next time and not see her. It was important they understood that everyone and everything had to go one day.  I took them there thinking all this, and in turn they taught me few lessons- that a child is never too young to understand death, however their perception of death is not as a permanent loss, but as one occurrence in a continuum. It is not losing hope, but being hopeful about the continuing life cycle. These thoughts come after processing bits of information they gather from adults, but as an adult I might never come to terms with death as they do- with innocence, certainty and hope.

Pros and Cons of having triplets

"Are you kidding?! What can be better for a woman than have her entire family at one go? Having triplets means you are done with all the difficult parts of parenthood at once" . These are some of the responses I get when I tell someone about my triplets, and it all sound great. But if you are the mother of a one year old triplets, especially in India, you know better.
Availability of support infrastructure (Con)
Availability of family support (Pro)
Losing income, increasing expense
Sibling rivalry
healthy competition
one child favorite, one less healthy etc
not enough time to spend individually
you cannot take them out alone, you cannot take them on a scooter
they help develop each other
they are fearless, daring
they want separate food
they fall sick together and when they fall sick, you want to carry each one for endless hours, but you cant.
all want to use potty at once
danger of hitting each other

After many months today afternoon when it is nap time, my son , instead of going to the bed straight, asks me, 'Amma, please walk for sometime carrying me and put me to sleep'
I pick him up, hold him close to my bosom and walk while humming his favorite lullaby very softly in his ear. How well I remember doing this every night till almost 2am or even later, when one of the babies cried or refused to sleep. How desperate I felt when, each time I passed the mirror while walking the length of the room and I could see their wide open eyes behind my shoulder. Then after long hours the eyes would gradually grow tired and close slowly, to a long, peaceful sleep, and I would place them very softly on the bed, kiss the lovely face, before almost falling down on the bed beside them, exhausted. And now, when I see his open eyes each time I pass the same mirror, I feel happy that they are open, I wish they remain so for some more time so I need not lie him on the bed, so I can carry him and hum t him for another minute. I get the feeling that he is also aware of this- of time flying, of the baby days that are about to get over, of this moment that may never come again. This may well be the last time we are doing this. I tell myself no, there are a few more months left for us, and then he says gently, 'Amma, bed..' and I take him to the bed and he is asleep almost instantly. The other two are already sleeping, and I kiss each of their faces and a mix of emotions overwhelm me. And suddenly I realize how funny I would look to them if they woke up now, how they would laugh, and I smile to myself before leaving the room.

Kidspeak

Some of the most beautiful and thought-provoking conversations I have had is with my about-to-be-four-year-old kids. It is so disarming the way they love unconditionally, and the way their mind works with the very limited exposure they have. As Penelope Leach says, they use about 25,000 words a day, when they have a total vocabulary of about 500 words! So while it is tiresome to listen to the repeated words, and exhausting to reply to hundreds of questions and demands (most of the time all three kids talk at once and I can't even make out what each one is saying), it is still enjoyable if I listen close. They go like this...

Daughter's first attempt at poetry..when Raman's(his real name is Suryanarayanan) turn at the swing was over I called Kutty for her turn. She says..'Raman poyi, Kutty vannu; Suryan poyi, nilaavu vannu' (Raman left, Kutty arrived- The Sun left, Moonshine arrived!)

Obviously my kids need a little more imagination..yesterday a spider bit me. I showed them the small swelling and with big drama told them 'amma will become spiderman tonight and go to save the world'..Then I turned in a flying action.. For a moment they looked wide eyed, i was satisfied and then Kutty turned and said matter-of-factly, 'amma won't become spiderman, if spider bit, amma will have to go to hospital..'

Balu's latest favourite hero is Zorro. So in a surge of affection he hugged me saying 'Amma oru bhayankara Zero aan!!' 

frown emoticon
gasp emoticon

Kutty: When is daddy going to come tonight?

Me: He will be quite late. After you sleep.

Kutty: Oh I ll see him before you do tonight.

Me: And how is that?

Kutty: He will come in my dreams.

Me: Are you listening to too many film songs?:(

I don't know where he got the name from..but today when I asked the name of the king who married Shakuntala, Raman says indifferently-"Sasi!" 

We have kept our data CDs separate from cartoon CDs, in paper cases of different colours. As they are on the top shelf kids cannot reach them, they can just see the coloured cases and they often ask for a green CD or a red one which they are not given. So yesterday we had quite a few guests including relatives, and Kutty was proudly talking about her cartoon CD collection to them. Then she animatedly said..'...apart from all these amma has a lot of blue CDs..' 

God, the number of dirty looks I got! 

As soon as we stepped inside the packed elevator in the mall, Kutty said,'Amma acha,i have a doubt'..Amma and acha instantly turned away as if we have no idea who the little girl is, because, well, the doubt could be anything.. Needless to say, the whole elevator got curious. Unfazed, Kutty fired-'Amma ente randanamma aano?'(Are you our stepmother?) Oops. Ok, so I scold her and threaten to beat sometimes, but am I like the legendary stepmother who mistreats kids? Everyone in the lift looked around to see who this monster was who mistreats the little angel, and their collective dirty look was on me as they guessed I was the amma. Then Balu explained-'Kutty second kutty aya kond amma randaan amma, balu third kutty, appo amma moonnaan amma'..(Since Kutty is the second child, you are her second mother-stepmother, Since Balu is third baby, you are my third mother!)

Phew!'

Adi thettiyaal aana yum veezhum' enna proverb n kutty ude addition- 'Adi kittiyaal aana yum nannaavum!' 

Children can really shut you up with their logic. Today Balu was saying a centipede when grows becomes a snake. I tried correcting him saying that only a small snake can grow into a big snake, a little centipede becomes only an adult centipede. Thats when he asks with his limited vocabulary,"Then why does a worm grows to become a butterfly?" 

On differentiating between binoculars,telescope,microscope,magnifying glass etc., I tell the kids-'Binoculars can make far away things seem closeby, we can see things clearly from a distance'. Then Balu asks me-'Oh,if buy binoculars will I see Ernakulam from here?'

Sightseeing in Kerala with chldren

Some of the beautiful locations in Kerala where we can visit and spend a day. I will keep updating this as and when I can.

Asuran Kund dam is a scenic place in Attur/Akamala/Thonnurkara, about 30km from Thrissur town. Pristine location, deep forest closeby and a good destination both for a family picnic and/or an adventure trip. The guards have done a commendable job of keeping it plastic and litter-free.

       

                                       

                                                    

Ilaveezha poonchira is a wonderful place with great breeze. Good for light trekking- not very exhausting.

(Ref: Wikipedia) "Ila-veezhaa-poonchira" means 'the pond of flowers where the leaves do not fall'. During the monsoons, the valley between a complex of mountains fills up to form a large pond. According to a legend, the Pandava had a sojourn here during their life incognito. Their wife, Draupadi, came to take a bath at a lake, which was present at that time. Some devas, bewitched by her beauty, tried to satisfy their voyeuristic itch. King of devas, Lord Indra, came to know about what was going on, and built screens or hills heaping flowers and prevented them from indulging in such a practice. And the pond thus became a dam isolated by floral hills. Since there were no trees around the bund, it was always free of leaves and so it was called Ila-veezha-poonchira. Some say that the name comes from the fact that it is always windy at the place and hence the leaves are carried away. Poonjira's myth is closely related to Agastya and his hermitage,he lived here and the native people believes that he still lives here,his hermitage is hidden in somewhere here. Another important attraction is the ancient krishna temple, that was founded by panjaly herself.the mass belief is that panjaly's akshayapatra is hidden here and it is protected by agastya.The myth is also associate with ramayana his vanavasa popularly believes that he lived here with lakshmana for few months. Ilavvezha Poonchira is located 55 km from Kottayam, and is 20 km from Thodupuzha. Melukavu is the highest part of the kottayam district.

Poomala Dam is an irrigation purpose dam and a tourist spot situated in Mulankunnathukavu Panchayath under Puzhakkal block inThrissur, Kerala. Pomala is a tourist attraction and Cheppara is a nice, light, trekking area.

Thrissur has no scarcity of dams. Chimmini Dam and Vazhani are beautiful locations. Vazhani is a good place to spend a half-day. Chimmini can be best explored in bamboo rafts arranged by the Tourism Department- https://www.keralatourism.org/destination/chimmini-thrissur/57

Shopping with kids in Kerala

How blissful it was when you could shop freely, look at each product label with care, read it all and decide what to buy, without looking every other second where the little bundle of energy who came with you ran off to! Yes, shopping with kids can be crazy, shopping with triplets- downright scary! If it is a retail shop, it is okay, but if it is a mall, the kids run around the whole place, knocking over things, take stuff ranging from chocolates to sanitary napkins off the rack or off the shopping carts of other shoppers who might not find it amusing. And then the tantrum if they find something extremely attractive and you refuse to buy it. Finally somehow you just get out of the shop, half the things in the shopping list still remaining to be bought, half of what is bought not according to the brands you wanted, and you realize that half the things in the packets are totally not of the list, which you bought anyway because your kids were making all sorts of tantrums. 

This is especially tough in Kerala because there are not many malls which offer play areas for children, or even a comfortable sitting space where either dad or mom can sit with the kids and manage them while the other can shop peacefully.

However, there are a few shopping malls in Kerala where there are kids play areas.

Abad Nucleus Mall in Maradu, Kochi has B-ActiveKidz- a nice little play area for children, where parents can leave children for half an hour or one hour. It is a large room with lot of play equipments to occupy the kids, and there is a small area filled with balls which my kids love. There are a few staff to look after the kids. The area and the toys are safe for play. Parents leave kids of age ranging from 1-2 years to ten years. There is a fee of Rs.250/- per child per hour. You need to make sure that the child does not wet the place and diapers are compulsory for children below age three. Also the child should wear socks, which we can bring with us, or buy from there itself. Parents can leave kids there and do their shopping in an hour or so and come back and get them. The staff would take your phone number and intimate you if your child needs you. Nucleus Mall is located on NH 49, on the way from Kundanoor to Thripunithura.

Ball Area at Nucleus Mall

It is all fun!

Jump Jump Jump!

Lulu Mall in Kochi has a large children's play area with lot of toys and equipments to engage kids for half a day. However parental supervision is required here and also there is a fee to use each of the equipment. Lulu also has come up with a town for children to play during summer vacation called ‘The Little Town’, sprawling over 15,000 square feet and featuring all the amenities of an actual town.There are roads, cars, driving schools, petrol pumps, newspaper office, playing areas, shops and a lot of other amenities inside Little Town, where kids get to be like adults doing what the grown ups do. It is open from 10 am to 9 pm and the entries are done using Sparkies card (a prepaid card available the play area). At a time, a kid is allowed for only three hours inside Little Town. Inside, parents can watch the activities of their kids from the designated adults area only.

Centresquare Mall in Kochi has a great variety of toys- all animation figurines like Spiderman, Chota Beem, Ben10 and so on and related products too. 

Elite supermarket in Thrissur (Karunakaran Nambiar Road) is the only supermarket in Thrissur which has a play area as of today, and this too is a small space with no particular protection. Even then it is okay to leave slightly older children there to play video games, or in case of smaller children one of the parents can sit there watching the child play on the small slide or seesaw, while the other parent can shop.
These are places that I have taken my children to. I have heard that Gold Souk in Kochi has a grand play area, and of course there will be so many other places where you can comfortably shop with kids. Please share your shopping experiences in Kerala with children in the comments area at the end of this post.

This is what I learnt after three years of shopping with triplets in Kerala-

1. Online shopping is best if you are buying clothes, books etc. You will have enough time to browse and choose after the kids sleep. Amazon and Flipkart offer great variety and great service.

2. If you have to buy from a shop, if both parents are going by car with the kids, try and find a shop where there is good parking facility. One of you can sit with the kids in the car while the other shops.

3. Similarly if there is a nice play area, one of the parents can sit there while the kids play and the other parents does shopping.

4. Once the child is old enough, say three and a half years old, the child also can actively participate in the shopping process. Teach him/her how to find a product, how to choose only what is required, how to stand in a queue and pay the bills, get the change, show the receipt to the security before leaving with the shopping bag etc. This is an immensely exciting activity- for you and for the child.

YES!! Hurray! Finally your child is four years old! He can handle himself, shop with you in a decent way or entertain himself with video games in the games area. You are now finally free again to read all those price tags, nutritional information, handling instructions and all sorts of labels on products. Feeling a tinge of sadness? Missing the energized ball who ran around you knocking over everything in sight before finally clinging on to you? Well, relax. He will be with you in a minute- the moment he gets bored of that gamezone.

Penelope Leach- on love and success in life

Whenever I feel angry or depressed about my own parental abilities, I take one of Penelope Leach's books and read. It is sure to lift my mood, and inspire me to be better mother. But nothing has inspired me so much as this one page, when it comes to being anxious about my children's performance academically. Sharing the page as it is.

Nobody loves a loser, but nothing creates a loser faster than the fearing loss of love..

Penelope Leach on Love and success in Life

Five intimate questions about IVF

There are hundreds of websites on information about IVF, ways to find out whether you are ready for IVF, the medical questions you should ask your doctor about IVF etc. However, here we shall see five intimate questions about IVF which you should ask yourself and personal fears which you should resolve within yourself, before embarking upon the journey.

1. Are you sure you want a baby? What if it is twins or triplets?  As ridiculous as this may sound to a couple waiting to get pregnant and trying for many years, this is the first question you should ask yourself. Parenting a baby is a blessing, it is fun, and it is a huge responsibility. If you are doing IVF there is a very good chance that you might conceive multiples- twins, triplets or more, babies, especially if the cause of your infertility is primarily low sperm count or motility. So, ask yourself-  
   • Are you financially well placed to handle both expected and unexpected expenses of IVF? 
   • If you conceive multiples do you have enough support from friends and family? Because parenting multiples is a huge task, at least for the first first three years.
   • When you take help from friends and family, it is a commitment. The bridge goes both ways. Also understand that they are helping you because they love you, and your yet to be born baby. Be grateful not for their help, but for their love.
   • Are you ready to take a lot of time-off from work, may be give up on some advancements in your career for a few years? Possibly either you or your spouse will need to stay home. Decide who will take temporary leave from job and stay at home to look after the babies. Are you both comfortable with that decision? Because in future there is a good chance that you might feel you are sacrificing your life/career while your spouse is not. No matter how much I say this, you may not give this aspect enough importance now, but you should.
   • There is statistical proof that many marriages bite the dust after a multiple pregnancy and delivery. The possible reasons and solutions we shall discuss in a future post. The question that you ask yourself now is, is your marriage strong enough to withstand the possible stresses that may result from IVF? 
   I am not trying here to scare you. On the other hand I am trying o encourage you. Some marriages bond in much stronger ways after a multiple pregnancy and delivery. So do the bonds with family and friends. And after 3-4 years you can get back to your work, uplift your career. Parenting is fun, it also helps your creativity, and thus the prospects of your success in life! So, go for it! This post on my decision to have a baby might interest you.
2. What if IVF fails? Which brings us to our second question- what if IVF fails? Are you ready to handle the grief, the disappointment? Also the lost money? There are many institutions and groups which offer emotional support. But the first support should come from within you, and from your spouse. Prayer and meditation can help a lot. Remember three things- (1). Whatever happens, happens for a reason, happens for good. Count your blessings. (2). Being childless is not the end of life, you have your life, your hobbies, career, travel, books, love and romance. Even having a pet can help quite a lot. Do not be disheartened. (3).  Adoption is an option you have. If you are really ready and willing to be a parent, biology is no barrier- you can always love a baby- any baby- with all your heart, the fulfillment is not an iota less. 
3. Do you have a pet? A pet dog, cat, bird or fish can relieve your stress quite a lot. I would highly recommend having and loving one, before starting the IVF journey.
4. Are you scared of needles? Scared that IVF will hurt? Well, I was. I was dead-scared. And this is what I learned from my experience- (1) Share your fear. Tell anyone who would listen about your fear. They might make fun of you, but there is a good chance that many of them might be having the same fear. If you tell the doctor or the nurse about the fear, they will be gentle in handling the situation, distracting you from the pain. So, don't be shy to share the fear. (I have been made fun of and laughed at, for fearing the needle at this age, being a professional, a teacher and all- and now, a mother of three! Well, I am scared, and that is that). You can distract yourself by thinking about the happiest and most exciting experiences of your life, about your romantic adventures etc. Apart from the regular shots, there are a few tests that might hurt during IVF. For embryo transfer, most possibly you will be put under anesthesia. For me, I was put under general anesthesia, so I did not even know about what happened. On the whole, in my experience, I expected a LOT of pain, but thankfully it was very minimal. So take heart. (The story in detail is given in my older posts. See http://tripletshouse.blogspot.in/2011/06/ivf.html). This webpage has some great tips- http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-a-Fear-of-Needles
   
5. What about future side-effects? I am not a medical expert, but from my personal experience, I have had no side effects at all from IVF. My triplet pregnancy and OHSS caused problems, but nothing was carried over to future. However, understand that this is your body and your life, so discuss all your medical conditions and possible side effects with your doctor first.

On the whole, my personal recommendation is that, if your answer to the first question is a yes, then, go for it! IVF is not half as scary as you might expect, and it is worth the try. 
Do you have any other personal or intimate question about IVF you would like to share? We will discuss if you just post it in the comments column. If you want you can post anonymously too.

Hindsight thoughts on IVF

I got a few emails from friends saying they could not access my earlier posts on IVF, OHSS and triplet pregnancy. The comments column was not working either it seems, and I have corrected all that. So I thought of this post with links to all previous posts and a few random Hindsight thoughts on IVF. Here is the link to the story of my decision to have a baby. If you like the page, please leave a comment.

There is a reason why you are reading this page now. You are waiting to get pregnant, contemplating IVF, and most probably you are a Keralite- Malayali. You are confused whether you should do IVF, whether IVF is painful, where you should do it, whether it will be a success, whether IVF has any future side effects,and many more related doubts. I think I might have a few tips for you. There are hundreds of websites on information about IVF, ways to find out whether you are ready for IVF, the medical questions you should ask your doctor about IVF etc. However, there are some very personal and intimate questions you should ask yourself before IVF too, and some intimate fears about IVF, for which you should find solutions before embarking upon the journey like my five intimate questions about ivf. My IVF was a horror story, not because of any reason that you might think of. I used to have a terrible fear of needles (still have some)! I was dead scared of the so-called pain during embryo transfer. I was not sure of the side effects of the hormone treatment for IVF. I was not sure if it was the right decision- whether I should wait more to conceive naturally. And worst of all, I wasn't even sure if I was ready for a baby! And no, none of these was the reason why my IVF was a horror story! It was because of the severe spontaneous Ovarian Hyper stimulation Syndrome (OHSS) due to my triplet pregnancy. It is not common at all, so you really do not need to worry about it. Here is the story of my IVF and the horrors of my spontaneous Ovarian Hyper stimulation Syndrome.

Five hindsight thoughts on IVF

If your answer to the first question in my five intimate questions about ivf is a yes, then you can look at the next four questions. Once you come to terms with your doubts and fears, you can start your IVF cycle. However here are a few things I learned after doing my IVF and going through my triplets pregnancy.

1. When you have faith, you will bring the umbrella. May be you have heard this story of faith-The community began to worry deeply about the prolonged drought. The religious leaders of the town met and agreed to call for a combined day of prayer about rain. They asked their congregations to gather together in the one large meeting house the following day. As the anxious town people settled in their seats, the ministers took turns pleading the cause for rain on behalf of all present. they suddenly heard a deep rumble of thunder, an appearance of dark clouds in the distance , and then the sound of rain on the roof. They were all overjoyed. But they were just as surprised to see that as they walked out through the rain to their cars only one person out of the entire group had brought an umbrella—a young girl whose faith had been so sure she had taken appropriate action.

When you do IVF, believe that you will get pregnant. It is also possible that you might need a bed rest, at least for a few weeks- possible, not definite. So do all the necessary arrangements for taking leave from work, and try to line up the help you will need from family and friends.

2. You are not the expert- your doctor is. So leave the tough decisions to him. There is nothing you can do to make IVF and ICSI successful. But you can and should definitely talk to the doctor about yourself, and also discuss how many embryos are going to be transferred, how many will be frozen, what will happen to the frozen ones if they do not need to be used etc. 

3. Once you are done with the first cycle, go about your daily life as usual. Have faith, but do not count the chickens before they hatch. No need to plan your nursery or buy toys before you hear the great news. If the cycle does not work out, it will cause grief and disappointment if you have done too much planning.

4. If you have bloating belly, vomiting and nausea, you might be suffering from OHSS. If it is mild, it is OK. But if it is unbearable, seek immediate medical help.

5. Document your experience. Each IVF and each pregnancy is unique. Write down your experiences- physical, emotional, everything. Even if the results turn out negative. Someday it might help someone else. Even if it does not, you can always go back to it and after a few years, trust me, you will be very thankful that you documented it.

My posts on the story of my IVF and spontaneous Ovarian Hyper stimulation Syndrome show how the documenting part helped me!

Why don't you share your experience of infertility journey, IVF, pregnancy etc in the comments section?