I Wanted to Scream and Run Away: Postpartum Depression in a Triplets' Mother

'Food is on the table', my mother said. I felt a lump rise to my throat at such a simple sentence. I was convinced that there was a hidden impatience in her tone- a confirmation of my fears. 

I got up and with difficulty walked to the table- it still hurt where they had cut me open- sat down and started eating, when Baby-A started crying. Baby-B and C were sleeping. My mother brought the baby to me and gently but firmly placed him in my lap. The lump in   my throat grew larger and I felt tears rolling down my cheeks, and I felt very ashamed. I kept my face away so my mother wouldn’t see the tears, and I held my baby with my left arm, gently rocked him on my lap and ate with my right hand. 

On finishing, I got up and placed baby on the bed, he was fast asleep by now. I took the empty plates and slowly walked to the wash all the time hoping that my mother would say no, keep the plate there. I will wash. She didn’t. Again I felt ashamed for wishing so, and again I felt the tears. Once inside the toilet I kept the tap running and cried aloud, uncontrollably, for long minutes. When I felt somewhat better I got out and walked to the bed without letting my mother see my face.

We were in one of the private rooms attached to the NICU. It was a week after my triplets were born, and the day we got all of them in the room from NICU. My hormones were raging. I felt absolutely, thoroughly depressed. I just wanted to get out of the room, leave everything, especially the babies, and run away. I wanted my old, calm and peaceful life back. Or at least be able to just sit on the bed with my baby on my lap and gently talk to him while watching his face, make him smile, watch his expressions. I wanted to do that with each of my babies, but having all three together, I could not even look closely at one's face- I had to run around all the time. I couldn’t bear to hear the constant crying, the constant demands for milk, the constant failure to produce any breast-milk, the constant mixing of formula, cleaning the bottles, warming the water, and the diaper changing thrice every couple of hours or even less. 

First days of my babies

One month back I was still having my bed rest. I was not supposed to get up-even to eat. My parents brought the food, served it hot and I barely sat up (because I simply could not eat lying down) and ate. After washing my mouth I would lie down again. Watch some TV or read or talk to my babies in the womb. It was so much better when they were inside. All chaos started when they came out. 

After completing my 35^th week of pregnancy and still counting, I was asked to stop my bed rest, and walk for some time every day. It was very difficult, nevertheless joyful, because my husband helped me walk; we went to the open terrace of the hospital and took strolls. Back in the room my mother talked to me while I took small steps holding her hand and I was treated like a special person.

It all ended the moment my babies came out. I was brought back to my room, and my babies were taken to NICU. The pain of the C-section was killing me, the strong desire to see my babies, the grief of not being able to see them and the uncertainty about the future made me feel thoroughly depressed. 

The nurses were urging me to get up and walk when all I wanted was to just lie down and sleep forever. They asked me to try and express milk when nothing would come. I saw them take small feeding bottles to NICU, all filled with breast-milk expressed by other new mothers whose babies were also in the NICU. I felt so jealous, unhappy and ashamed. 

Then my husband went to NICU and brought some videos of our babies. I snatched the mobile and watched them with hunger and longing. My babies looked perfect, the tiny, soft fingers, and the pink color, thin lips- I felt overjoyed suddenly and wanted to see them desperately. The next day I was taken to NICU and saw them. I fell in love, I wanted to hold them and keep them with me, but at the same time I was frightened. I had no idea how to handle three tiny babies at the same time. 

In 6-7 days we got the babies in the room, one by one. They were very normal, although slightly underweight, but being new born and being one month premature, and being fed formula through a tube attached to the nose, they cried whenever they woke up. This was quite normal, and I wouldn’t have found this an inconvenience at all had it been a single baby, but three babies crying together or one after the other was getting on my nerves. It wasn’t their crying, it was my own helplessness and inability to hold them all together was what made me feel terrible. 

Then there were a lot of opinions- anyone who visited or stayed to help or just heard about the babies, had some advice- many of which contradicted with what the doctors instructed. Relatives said babies should sleep on their backs, not on their tummy like doc instructed; they said babies should be held horizontally in our hands while doc told us to hold them vertically resting their chin on our shoulder. All this confused me and I just wanted to get out of this mess. I looked at the world with hatred as if everyone conspired against me. The next moment I also felt guilty and ashamed for feeling thus. 

My parents and husband understood and supported and loved me completely, but even that I could not recognize or appreciate in my depression. But now when I look back I can see how blessed I was and am to have the three of them in my life, and how much more I could have enjoyed those first days with my babies if I had recognized the love and effort of my parents and husband in helping me out. 

As a new mother, if I had a single child, all I would have had to do would be to sit on the bed with my feet up and baby on lap, and feed him and watch his face. But as a mother of triplets I always had to move around, mixing formula, cleaning bottles and changing diapers- there was no time to enjoy my babies’ faces. Or to have the kind of traditional prasavaraksha (a postpartum care package) guaranteed to make me healthy enough to take care of the babies in the future. My mother constantly said aloud that I should undergo prasavaraksha, but it was not possible at the time. We needed all hands to help out. I could not back off and take life leisurely.

I am not elaborating. But the first year of my motherhood was a roller coaster ride of emotions- imbalances. I cried at least once every day, I wanted to scream and run away, and I always felt as if I was bound by chains, and there were these walls around me, imprisoning me, and there were these whips lashing at me urging me to constantly work while I wanted to rest. I wanted to be near my husband and cry my heart out and tell him all I felt, but I never got the chance because we were all busy all the time with the babies. Had I been able to do that I would have definitely felt better. Once we got a chance to go out for a check-up, and my parents took care of the babies for a couple of hours. That was when I chanced upon Babyhood and reading some part of it every night came as a huge relief.

On hindsight, this is what I would like to tell all new mothers of multiples, about postpartum depression-

1. If you feel that you are not treated like a special person anymore, wait for a few weeks. Once your baby starts recognizing faces, yours will be the first one she will recognize, and from then on, you will never feel you are not special- you are THE ONLY special person in the world for your baby.
2. It is perfectly normal to feel like screaming or running away. (I am not telling the other, more dangerous thoughts that I had, but believe me, I had them). If you want to talk about it, I am ready to listen, just give a call. Or there are many forums online about postpartum depression, just talk to those wonderful ladies out there. You are sure to feel better.
3. Appreciate everyone’s help, and try to love and spend time with your babies- this too shall pass soon.
4. Understand that what you are undergoing is due to hormone imbalance, and this is much more than what the mothers of single babies usually undergo. Research has proved it. So it is not your fault- don’t feel ashamed at what you are feeling. You do love your baby; it will take some time to realize it.
5. If possible read books like Babyhood, if possible show posts like this to your family- tell them you are undergoing this phase. They may not understand, but at least you tried. 

And finally, talk and share your anxieties, pray and meditate. It will help.