Public places

Vazhani , the scenic dam and forest area in Thrissur. We- my family- visit the place quite often. This happened when we went there one evening. As we enter the walkway from which the view is beautiful, there is a small wooded area sloping towards the dam, where there are a few badly done animal sculptures are placed. Usually we don't go there, we just take the walkway. But this time the kids wanted to go and see the 'tiger' up close. As Ramesh was walking ahead with Balu, I called out to him to walk back, and I started entering the area with the other two. Suddenly a local person who was sitting on the half wall there told my kids (and indirectly to me), 'no, no, don't go in there, there is nothing to see'..I looked at him and he gave some kind of a patronizing smile and repeated that there was nothing to see, and may be it was dangerous. I said it's OK, even if the tiger is ugly we don't mind, and started to go in, but then I saw what made him stop me. There was a group of men sitting and drinking, making noise and all. I swiftly retreated and pulled my kids back, and walked on towards the walkway.

But then it struck me, and anger swept over. Why did I walk away? The place was mine, as much as anyone else's. I had the right to the scenery. I was doing nothing wrong. Then what was it that made me retreat? Why didn't that local person tell those hooligans to stop, instead of telling me and my innocent kids away? The same restraint that keeps family people of our state away from streets at night, the same inhibition we have when we go all alone to a park, or a beach, or a hotel, or a theater, the same seething silence we endure when we see the public places that belong to us taken away by those who actually abuse them..It is so ingrained in my psyche, and how I hate it!

Tripletshouse turns one!

On this Valentine’s day our triplets reach four years of age. As we have only recently undergone a sad loss, there is no real celebration- just cutting the cake, singing ‘Happy Birthday’, and that’s it. A small family occasion. We can take the cake to their anganwadi on 15^th, Monday, and share our joy. I shall post the pictures then.

Incidentally, in the same week, my blog also becomes a year old. During my triplet pregnancy bedrest days I used to write small notes- about our treatment, pregnancy, complications etc. During those days of anxiety and confusion, many websites and blogs helped clear my many doubts. So I wanted to give back to the virtual community- I wanted to share my experiences too, so it can be helpful to ladies- aspiring to be pregnant, or pregnant with multiples, or wondering about symptoms of OHSS, or worrying about their inability to breastfeed etc. However once my babies came to our life, there was no stopping or looking back, or even a pause- it was all a mad rush- that is, until they turned three. Three year old children suddenly act more matured! And the real fun starts then, playng together, role- play, super hero worship, curiosity about everything etc. But this also leaves a little fee time to the parents as children become more understanding, that is, they give a bit more consideration to their slaves' needs.  So I also got a few minutes to spare every day and started typing my written notes hence publishing my blog, initially a private one. By their third birthday, I completed all the entries and scheduled the posts as they happened- narrating the incidents in present tense. On February 14^th 2015 I made the blog public and shared it in Facebook. So many of my friends read the posts and gave very kind and encouraging comments (in Facebook), and many others sent me messages. I was overjoyed, but then I had finished saying almost everything I had to say. So I stopped publishing any new posts.

Gradually I learned something about blogging. I started the blog so that if someone did a search about OHSS or triplet pregnancy in Kerala, they got to read my experiences and thus gain some insight or at least felt better. But as I stopped posting, my blog was losing some of its visibility. Also I got a number of private messages from friends or even strangers (many of who later became my friends), asking for more details, seeking reassurances etc. I found that this was an area where I could really vent myself- share the stories or feel lighter after a stressful day. So I continued writing, and this time I concentrated on parenting and raising triplets in Kerala. Once I resumed, I found that I had many things to share- about our culture and customs, places to visit, kiddie talks, stories, information about preschools, even a few parenting tips! I found that I enjoyed every bit of it, so here I am, wishing many many happy returns of the day to www.tripletshouse.blogspot.com !

I Wanted to Scream and Run Away: Postpartum Depression in a Triplets' Mother

'Food is on the table', my mother said. I felt a lump rise to my throat at such a simple sentence. I was convinced that there was a hidden impatience in her tone- a confirmation of my fears. 

I got up and with difficulty walked to the table- it still hurt where they had cut me open- sat down and started eating, when Baby-A started crying. Baby-B and C were sleeping. My mother brought the baby to me and gently but firmly placed him in my lap. The lump in   my throat grew larger and I felt tears rolling down my cheeks, and I felt very ashamed. I kept my face away so my mother wouldn’t see the tears, and I held my baby with my left arm, gently rocked him on my lap and ate with my right hand. 

On finishing, I got up and placed baby on the bed, he was fast asleep by now. I took the empty plates and slowly walked to the wash all the time hoping that my mother would say no, keep the plate there. I will wash. She didn’t. Again I felt ashamed for wishing so, and again I felt the tears. Once inside the toilet I kept the tap running and cried aloud, uncontrollably, for long minutes. When I felt somewhat better I got out and walked to the bed without letting my mother see my face.

We were in one of the private rooms attached to the NICU. It was a week after my triplets were born, and the day we got all of them in the room from NICU. My hormones were raging. I felt absolutely, thoroughly depressed. I just wanted to get out of the room, leave everything, especially the babies, and run away. I wanted my old, calm and peaceful life back. Or at least be able to just sit on the bed with my baby on my lap and gently talk to him while watching his face, make him smile, watch his expressions. I wanted to do that with each of my babies, but having all three together, I could not even look closely at one's face- I had to run around all the time. I couldn’t bear to hear the constant crying, the constant demands for milk, the constant failure to produce any breast-milk, the constant mixing of formula, cleaning the bottles, warming the water, and the diaper changing thrice every couple of hours or even less. 

First days of my babies

One month back I was still having my bed rest. I was not supposed to get up-even to eat. My parents brought the food, served it hot and I barely sat up (because I simply could not eat lying down) and ate. After washing my mouth I would lie down again. Watch some TV or read or talk to my babies in the womb. It was so much better when they were inside. All chaos started when they came out. 

After completing my 35^th week of pregnancy and still counting, I was asked to stop my bed rest, and walk for some time every day. It was very difficult, nevertheless joyful, because my husband helped me walk; we went to the open terrace of the hospital and took strolls. Back in the room my mother talked to me while I took small steps holding her hand and I was treated like a special person.

It all ended the moment my babies came out. I was brought back to my room, and my babies were taken to NICU. The pain of the C-section was killing me, the strong desire to see my babies, the grief of not being able to see them and the uncertainty about the future made me feel thoroughly depressed. 

The nurses were urging me to get up and walk when all I wanted was to just lie down and sleep forever. They asked me to try and express milk when nothing would come. I saw them take small feeding bottles to NICU, all filled with breast-milk expressed by other new mothers whose babies were also in the NICU. I felt so jealous, unhappy and ashamed. 

Then my husband went to NICU and brought some videos of our babies. I snatched the mobile and watched them with hunger and longing. My babies looked perfect, the tiny, soft fingers, and the pink color, thin lips- I felt overjoyed suddenly and wanted to see them desperately. The next day I was taken to NICU and saw them. I fell in love, I wanted to hold them and keep them with me, but at the same time I was frightened. I had no idea how to handle three tiny babies at the same time. 

In 6-7 days we got the babies in the room, one by one. They were very normal, although slightly underweight, but being new born and being one month premature, and being fed formula through a tube attached to the nose, they cried whenever they woke up. This was quite normal, and I wouldn’t have found this an inconvenience at all had it been a single baby, but three babies crying together or one after the other was getting on my nerves. It wasn’t their crying, it was my own helplessness and inability to hold them all together was what made me feel terrible. 

Then there were a lot of opinions- anyone who visited or stayed to help or just heard about the babies, had some advice- many of which contradicted with what the doctors instructed. Relatives said babies should sleep on their backs, not on their tummy like doc instructed; they said babies should be held horizontally in our hands while doc told us to hold them vertically resting their chin on our shoulder. All this confused me and I just wanted to get out of this mess. I looked at the world with hatred as if everyone conspired against me. The next moment I also felt guilty and ashamed for feeling thus. 

My parents and husband understood and supported and loved me completely, but even that I could not recognize or appreciate in my depression. But now when I look back I can see how blessed I was and am to have the three of them in my life, and how much more I could have enjoyed those first days with my babies if I had recognized the love and effort of my parents and husband in helping me out. 

As a new mother, if I had a single child, all I would have had to do would be to sit on the bed with my feet up and baby on lap, and feed him and watch his face. But as a mother of triplets I always had to move around, mixing formula, cleaning bottles and changing diapers- there was no time to enjoy my babies’ faces. Or to have the kind of traditional prasavaraksha (a postpartum care package) guaranteed to make me healthy enough to take care of the babies in the future. My mother constantly said aloud that I should undergo prasavaraksha, but it was not possible at the time. We needed all hands to help out. I could not back off and take life leisurely.

I am not elaborating. But the first year of my motherhood was a roller coaster ride of emotions- imbalances. I cried at least once every day, I wanted to scream and run away, and I always felt as if I was bound by chains, and there were these walls around me, imprisoning me, and there were these whips lashing at me urging me to constantly work while I wanted to rest. I wanted to be near my husband and cry my heart out and tell him all I felt, but I never got the chance because we were all busy all the time with the babies. Had I been able to do that I would have definitely felt better. Once we got a chance to go out for a check-up, and my parents took care of the babies for a couple of hours. That was when I chanced upon Babyhood and reading some part of it every night came as a huge relief.

On hindsight, this is what I would like to tell all new mothers of multiples, about postpartum depression-

1. If you feel that you are not treated like a special person anymore, wait for a few weeks. Once your baby starts recognizing faces, yours will be the first one she will recognize, and from then on, you will never feel you are not special- you are THE ONLY special person in the world for your baby.
2. It is perfectly normal to feel like screaming or running away. (I am not telling the other, more dangerous thoughts that I had, but believe me, I had them). If you want to talk about it, I am ready to listen, just give a call. Or there are many forums online about postpartum depression, just talk to those wonderful ladies out there. You are sure to feel better.
3. Appreciate everyone’s help, and try to love and spend time with your babies- this too shall pass soon.
4. Understand that what you are undergoing is due to hormone imbalance, and this is much more than what the mothers of single babies usually undergo. Research has proved it. So it is not your fault- don’t feel ashamed at what you are feeling. You do love your baby; it will take some time to realize it.
5. If possible read books like Babyhood, if possible show posts like this to your family- tell them you are undergoing this phase. They may not understand, but at least you tried. 

And finally, talk and share your anxieties, pray and meditate. It will help.

Telling Stories- An Effective Way to Motivate My Preschoolers

You want your child to get up early, brush teeth properly, eat well, dress up neat and fast, go to school happily, study and work hard, play and have fun, wash and clean up, be healthy and hygienic, sleep well, treat others kindly, behave nicely, be honest and a lot of other things. The tug of war and power-play and a lot of fights happen at home because of this- yes, the child invariably resists the parents' attempts to make him the ideal human. Once you sit down peacefully and think about it, you feel that he has a right to the resist the efforts. Sometimes you might even laugh at your own silly need to make the child do something. But that is another story. What I want to tell here is about one method I found very effective to inspire my triplets to behave the way I want them to behave, without my being harsh. I find it especially hard when all three preschoolers together start their tantrums, end up hitting or biting each other the next moment or make a lot of noises or throw things- harming themselves in the process. They fall down, get hit, and start crying. It is not advisable to always offer them toys or snacks to get them to calm down or do something I want them to do, because this might later become a habit. 
So what is the effective method?

Tell them a story.

Yes, I found this to be the best method. But you need to choose(or make up) a story apt for the situation. For example, you want your preschooler to get up from bed, get ready and go to school, and he just doesn't want to do any of these. You can try this story (This I made up now, and it does not have any particular quality. But in the link given at the end of this post I have given a couple of nice stories from Indian Mythology, which can really inspire children)- 'Once upon a time there lived two baby rabbits in a big forest. One was a lazy bum called Thimmayya, and the other was a smart one called Fastrabbit. One day Fastrabbit got up very early as usual and saw the glorious morning sun (while telling this gently pick him up and show the rising sun through the window, if possible, or just show a nice sunrise picture). Fastrabbit called Thimmayya but he just kept sleeping. He ran out and brushed and his teeth shone like white pearls. Then he took a nice bath in the sparkling waters of Bluesparkle Pond (Use names, a lot many adjectives.. these will help his vocabulary and will surely make him fall in love with language, which is essential to make him want to read). Now Bluesparkle has a lot of red and yellow and blue water lilies and lotuses in it (Add flower names, colors etc. as many as possible- this stretches the story as well as his imagination. Now he is with you in the pond, while he does his brushing and his bathing). After his refreshing bath Fastrabbit went out to the carrot garden and got the best and fresh carrots for himself. (Describe the carrots to the tiniest detail). Fastrabbit started muching the sweet, red carrots one by one. And there he was! He became very strong! He jumped up and down, danced here and there, and ate a lot more vegetables, and drank his milk. Now he was the strongest and smartest one in all the forest! By now Thimmayya came out but all he could get was some ugly and spoiled carrots. So he wasn't strong at all. Fastrabbit was watching the flowers when suddenly a lion named Cruesimha jumped at him! But Fastrabbit was so smart he could just jump to the side and the lion fell on his nose and cried.(Act out this well, and you'll get unstoppable giggles!) Now Fastrabbit ran and hid himself while the angry lion got up and looked around. He saw a scared and weak Thimmayya sitting there. Cruesimha caught Thimmayya easily and was about to swallow him when an elephant named Bandiana jumped at the lion and scared him. The frightened lion left Thimmayya there and ran off. Now, how did Bandiana come there? Fastrabbit called him. they were close friends and they both got up earl and ate fresh food, and both were very strong. Cruesimha was as lazy as Thimmayya, so he didn't have a chance against the smart duo. Thimmayya now learned his lesson, got up early everyday, ate good food and became strong like Fastrabbit and befriended other smarties like Bandiana. They all lived happily ever after.

By the time you finish the story, he should be ready for school, ready to face the world. Or as in my case, the end their tantrums and listen intently when I narrate a nice, motivating story.

You think this is difficult? To make up stories, or to choose the right one, and tell all that? Believe me, with three four-year-old kids, I do this almost every day (sometimes they are very well behaved and nice without any prompting at all), and I always find it highly rewarding. You yourself get a new energy telling the story, stretching your imagination. All three of them listen intently, while going through their chores. And I never have to use a harsh or loud word, or shout at them. You in fact save time with this method. Try it! I have given some inspiring stories you can use, from Indian Mythology in the post inspiring-stories-for-preschoolers

Triplets love stories

Kutty tries coloring

Kids love to listen to mother's voice

There is yet another effective method, that is to tell them this is what your superhero will do now. For instance when I want my son to pick up the scattered toys and keep them in the shelf, I tell him- 'Look at Peter Parker (Spider-man)! Everyday he takes the garbage out- that's his duty. Similarly your duty now is to keep the toys in the shelf. Remember, with great power comes, great responsibility! This works every single time! See also my post on how to make your kid collect superhero points- Animations-and-other-movies-for-children.
So next time, the moment you feel like shouting at your kid or banging your own head, try these methods.. And do share with me what happened!

Inspiring Stories for Children

Today I am going to post three inspiring stories for children from Indian Mythology. I say 'inspiring for children' because it helps a lot to tell them these when there is a lot of fights and kicks and tantrums to study or to go to school, or even to just get up in the morning. These are not particularly education related stories, but just inspiring in their own way. See this related post- Effectively-Motivating-Preschoolers. And of course, there is a way to tell kids stories, if they have to be effective. 

I use a number of techniques to get my triplets to go to school in the morning, all 'Sama Dana Bheda Danda' approaches, and this story telling comes in the 'Sama' category. So here we go.

Story 1: Yavakrida

Once upon a time, there lived two sages, named Bharadwaja and Raibhya, who were dear friends. Raibhya and his two sons, Paravasu and Arvavasu, learnt the Vedas and became famed scholars. Bharadwaja devoted himself wholly to the worship of God.  

He had a son named Yavakrida who became unhappy that people did not respect his ascetic father as they did the learned Raibhya. Yavakrida also wanted to learn the Vedas, but he did not have the patience to study from a teacher as that would take many years. He wanted knowledge instantly and directly. He began practicing austerities and hard penance to please Indra, chief of gods. Indra appeared and asked him what he wanted. Yavakrida replied: "I wish to be learned in the Vedas, I wish to be a great scholar. I am performing these austerities to realise that desire. Indra smiled and said: "You are on the wrong path, child. Return home, seek a Guru and learn the Vedas from him. Austerity is not the way to learning; the path is study and study alone."  With these words Indra vanished. But Yavakrida would not give up. He pursued his course of austerities with even greater rigor and Indra again manifested himself before Yavakrida and warned him again: "You have taken the wrong path to acquire knowledge. You can acquire knowledge only by study. Your father learnt the Vedas by patient study and so can you. Go and study the Vedas. Desist from this vain mortification of the body." Yavakrida did not heed even this second warning of Indra and he continued his penance. One morning, during his austerities, when he went to bathe in the Ganga, be saw an old sage on the bank, laboriously throwing handfuls of pebbles into the water. Yavakrida asked: "Old man, what are you doing?" The old man replied: "I am going to build a bridge across this river. When, with handful after handful, I have built a bridge of pebbles here, people can cross the river with ease." Yavakrida laughed and said: "What a fool you must be to think you can build a bridge across this mighty river with your silly handfuls of pebbles! Arise and take to some more useful work." The old man said: "Is my work more foolish than yours of mastering the Vedas not by study but by austerities?" Yavakrida now knew that the old man was Indra. More humble this time, Yavakrida earnestly begged Indra to grant him learning as a boon. Indra blessed him to study hard and thus become learned and wise.

Story 2: Uthanka

Once a sage named Uthanka prayed to Krishna and Lord Krishna appeaed before him. The sage bowed to Krishna. Krishna told Uttanka to ask for a boon. Uttanka asked Krishna to grant him the boon of finding water whenever he was thirsty. Krishna granted the boon to Uttanka, and Uthanka’s simplicity pleased Krishna who then requested Indra to give him amrita which would make him an immortal, but Indra was not willing to give it to mortals. Finally, Indra relented and told Krishna that he would offer Uttanka the amrita as a Chandala (an outcaste untouchable), provided the sage did not refuse it. Krishna agreed to Indra's condition . One day wandering in the desert, the sage became thirsty and, hoping to get water, thought of Krishna, but instead, he found a naked Chandala bringing water in a pot. The Chandala was covered in mud and surrounded by filthy dogs. The Chandala repeatedly requested Uttanka to drink the water he brought. But when Uttanka refused, the Chandala disappeared. Then when Krishna appeared on the scene Uttanka and said that by refusing the water from the Chandala, he forever lost the chance to become immortal- a person who can consider everyone equal only can have the blessing of Amrita.  However, Krishna promised to keep his boon of providing water to the sage. He then blessed Uttanka that rain clouds would appear at his bidding and bring rain showers in the desert. These clouds appear rarely, and in the desert rain clouds are still known as Uttanka’s clouds (Uttanka Megha)

Story 3: Good Conduct

Once the Asura king named Prahlada became the emperor of the three worlds because he was a man who had the highest character, who performed the most difficult austerities. Determined to find out the secret of Prahlada's success Indra assumesd the form of a sadhu and went to Prahlada to serve him as a disciple. Pleased with the disciple's service and determination, Prahlada told him his success was due to his following his Guru's teachings. Indra continued to serve Prahlada and eventually the Asura emperor, pleased with the devotion shown and the service rendered, asked his disciple to ask for a boon, not knowing he is Indra. Indra replied saying that all he wanted was Prahlada's character and integrity. Prahlada granted him the boon and Indra left his teacher.

Soon Prahlada saw a dazzlingly lustrous figure emerge from his body and leave him. When Prahlada asked him who he was, the figure said that he was Sheela, Integrity, and he was leaving him because Prahlada had given him away. He went to join the sadhu that was Indra.

Soon another radiant being emerged from Prahlada's body and when asked who he was, the being told that he was Dharma: virtue and righteousness. After Dharma too left him, telling him he was going to live in the body of the sadhu since he, Dharma, lived only where Integrity was. Soon Prahlada found himself being abandoned by Satya, Truth, and Vritta, Uprightness, and then yet another Bala, Strength, all leaving him one by one to live in the sadhu, following Integrity. 

Following Bala, a beautiful goddess emerged from Prahlada’s body and when asked she told him she was Shree, the goddess of wealth, prosperity, good fortune and all else that was auspicious. Shree told him that she had to leave because she always followed Integrity, Virtue, Truth, Uprightness and Strength. She also told him that the sadhu was none other than Indra, Indra has robbed him of his Integrity and where Integrity is not, there can be no Dharma, no Truth, no Morality, no Strength and no wealth, prosperity or good fortune (courtesy: www.boloji.com)

These three stories give children as well as adults three important messages: first one tells us that there is no short cut to success and learning, but studying and hardwork. Second story tells us to treat everyone equal, and to be kind to everyone, whereas the third story demonstrates the importance of good behavior and integrity. These stories are very short which can be elaborated with details to enhance children's imagination, and impart powerful messages and morals.
See this related post- Effectively-Motivating-Preschoolers. 

Thirty Fingernails to Polish!

It is past 9 pm. Long past bed time for most 4-year old kids, but my triplets are still not ready for bed. Dinner is over, and now they have to brush and take a quick body bath and go to bed. I pick up Ramu to brush his teeth and he is screaming, ‘No..No…NONONO!’ I know he is very sleepy, that is why the tantrum. He simply doesn’t want to go to bed. He is jerking and jumping in my arms, he has a bat and a ball in his hands and he wants to play cricket, now! He wants me to throw the ball. I say no way, and he is getting louder. ‘Throw the ball, throw the ball’, when I suddenly say- ‘There once lived a HUGE whale in an ocean (He is quiet all of a sudden, he loves stories), the whale had two little babies and both of them loved to play cricket (His eyes are wide now, imagining the scene, and I gently prop him on my lap and start brushing), but there was a problem- the ball wouldn’t bounce in the ocean water! Now the whale babies cried and mama whale thought, ‘let me ask the sea turtle’. She goes to the sea turtle and tells the problem (Brushing done, we have started the body bath). The turtle agreed to help and she went inside her house. When she came out she had a ball in her hands. She said ‘this ball will bounce’, and the baby whales started to play. Younger one threw the ball and in did bounce in the water(!) and went to the batsman, the elder baby whale, who hit the ball to the boundary! (We have done the bath, I am dressing him in his pajamas, he is still imagining) Now what was the ball? It was the baby turtle with its neck inside the shell! Since the ball hit the hard shell, it did not hurt, and at the end of the day baby turtle and baby whales became thick friends and played every day from then on’.

When the story is over he is in bed, and within five minutes he is sure to fall asleep. By now my little girl Malu has spotted my nail polish and wants me it put it for her. Only then she would come to brush. Okay, in two minutes I finish polishing all ten fingernails and she brushes fast (I do it in quickly and quietly- else the boys also will come running, demanding that I polish their nails too, right now. That's what happens usually). She wants a story too, and I tell her one from Panchatanthra while we finish the bath. Now I need to get my third sweetie pie to brush and he is screaming his heart out sitting under the staircase demanding to buy a batman suit at this very moment. (Both Ramu and Malu don’t seem to be aware of the tantrums- Ramu is about to sleep, and Malu is telling some story to herself, lying on the bed). No, nothing but the suit can pacify Balu. Still I give a try- depending on the knowledge that he loves his studies. I say loudly to my mother (so I can be heard above his screams) – “Mother, can you give five words that start with ‘T’”? Mother is quick to catch up and she starts words. The screams from below the staircase stopped all of a sudden. Good. After ‘T’, I ask mother to say words with E’, and lo! Balu comes out saying ‘Elephant’ and laughing. I quickly grab him and finish the brushing and bathing, while still continuing the word play. By the time Balu is in bed, I am totally exhausted.

Being a professor of Architecture, I had spent that whole day attending to students’ design reviews in college, commenting and correcting their designs. After reaching home, I had spent all the time playing with the kids and feeding them. Now after my own bath, I can barely move and I sit the bed and close my eyes.  Today is a day when I used the ‘Sama’ and ‘Dana’ techniques of diplomacy. I am not a supermom. Far from it. I survive because both my parents, despite their age, take active part in raising my triplets, and love doing it. I stay sane because my husband spends most of his after- office hours with the kids, thus relieving me. And yet I have my days of stress when I yell at my kids, they scream and cry and I have to threaten them with a stick (my ‘Bheda’ technique). Thankfully I restrain myself from using the stick (no ‘Danda’), but after the yells and screams, all of us are tired, and my kids go to sleep teary-eyed, and by the time I get to bed, I am full of regrets. After all they are kids. If it was one child, would I lose patience so easily? I ask myself. Wouldn’t I try to pacify him/ her with all the love and sweet-talk in the world? Because it is three at a time, I get tired, stressed and end up yelling and shouting.

A small and sweet kiss warms my cheek and I open my eyes. ‘Amma is very tired,’ Malu is whispering to the boys after kissing me. They also move towards me, kiss me and hug me and instantly fall asleep- Ramu in my lap, Malu and Balu in each of my arms.  There is a tiny smile on three angelic faces, and I thank and thank God for all the blessings that He is showering upon us.

A sad note

My mother in law passed away recently. Now there is a deep void in our life, a loss we are yet unable to accept, an overwhelming sadness. However this post is on my triplets response to the sadness and loss. How does the death of a loved one affect a four year old child? Does he really understand what death is, that it is permanent? I think they do, their grief is real, and their love, unconditional.

My triplets (one month shy of 4-year old) were very fond of  her. They met her for the first time when they were two months or so old. As toddlers they were not very friendly with relatives whom they see only once in a while. However, to her they had a surprising affection, which was quite mutual. From the beginning they behaved as if they had always known her- they chattered in the very friendly and familiar way. She was unwell and bedridden for the last year or so, and we used to visit her occasionally, about once in two months. Whenever they saw her they gave her water in a glass to drink, placing the glass near her lips, sat with her and sang nursery rhymes, told her stories of their nursery friends. On most of the days at home they used to refer to her, about something that she said, or something they imagined about her. They called her Dodda, meaning grandmother in Tulu. Probably their love for her came from the fact that their father adored her, or probably from the unexplained bonding of blood. In the last few months she could not even sit up without help, and my kids visited her for the last time, about a month back. We were planning another visit in the weekend, when the tragedy happened. At first we didn't know whether and how to tell the kids about it.

Balu with Dodda

Raman with Dodda

Now, I knew that they had an idea what death was. Their first encounter with it came when a kitten in our house- a tiny one, one week old- died due to birth problems. They saw how she was not moving, how dad buried her. Afterwards when they saw 'Lion King', they were very sad when Mufasa died, and they became hopeful later when Mufasa came in the clouds to lead Simba towards the right way. Still later they saw 'Spider-Man 3' in which Harry Osborn died and was buried. The ever-curious trio asked me for explanations, how the kitten was buried without a coffin whereas Harry had it, how come Harry or the kitten did not appear in the clouds etc. I told them the difference between burying an animal and a human, and that everyone who did good would have a place among the stars, but their loved ones could see them when they really, really needed them for guidance. My mother told them about rebirth- when one person dies, the soul could be reborn, and the cycle could continue. This satisfied them. Surprisingly, the concept of the mortal body, the immortal soul and rebirth did not confuse them at all! They also learned about heaven and hell, God and Devil, from (can you believe it?) 'Tom&Jerry'- in one of the stories called 'Heavenly Pass', they show Tom seeing both Heaven, Hell and the Devil. This particular cartoon educated them quite a lot, when we had a chance to discuss how the virtues on earth leads one to heaven, how wrong-doing, which essentially means harming someone or deliberately causing sorrow to someone, leads one to hell etc. Then again, they were familiar with stories of Ramayana where Jadayu, Sampathi, Baali, Kumbhakarna and Ravana die.

Thus, arming myself to face untimely and loud questioning, I took the trio to pay respect to their Dodda, to give a drop of theertham (holy water) to her still lips. They stared at the body and asked why she was lying on the floor and not on the cot, why there were lit lamps near her. When I softly and gently told them that she was no more, it took a while for them to digest it. There was surprise, a little fear, then the effort to comprehend it. They did not cry. They looked at her face for a long, long time, and watched all the procedures for the funeral. Gradually the cloud lifted, and they were back to their innocent selves. They started talking to each other assuring each other that Dodda's soul must be in Heaven, with God now, or possibly with the stars. She might take a rebirth too. No one but me completely understood what they were saying in their kiddish chit-chat. All this made me feel guilty for taking them there because the mourning sons, daughters and in-laws, including their own parents were finding it difficult to hold back tears and the loud chatter was so out of place. But then I had to do that, too. I had to make sure that they knew what happened to their beloved Dodda, else they might wonder about it when they visit her house next time and not see her. It was important they understood that everyone and everything had to go one day.  I took them there thinking all this, and in turn they taught me few lessons- that a child is never too young to understand death, however their perception of death is not as a permanent loss, but as one occurrence in a continuum. It is not losing hope, but being hopeful about the continuing life cycle. These thoughts come after processing bits of information they gather from adults, but as an adult I might never come to terms with death as they do- with innocence, certainty and hope.

Pros and Cons of having triplets

"Are you kidding?! What can be better for a woman than have her entire family at one go? Having triplets means you are done with all the difficult parts of parenthood at once" . These are some of the responses I get when I tell someone about my triplets, and it all sound great. But if you are the mother of a one year old triplets, especially in India, you know better.
Availability of support infrastructure (Con)
Availability of family support (Pro)
Losing income, increasing expense
Sibling rivalry
healthy competition
one child favorite, one less healthy etc
not enough time to spend individually
you cannot take them out alone, you cannot take them on a scooter
they help develop each other
they are fearless, daring
they want separate food
they fall sick together and when they fall sick, you want to carry each one for endless hours, but you cant.
all want to use potty at once
danger of hitting each other

After many months today afternoon when it is nap time, my son , instead of going to the bed straight, asks me, 'Amma, please walk for sometime carrying me and put me to sleep'
I pick him up, hold him close to my bosom and walk while humming his favorite lullaby very softly in his ear. How well I remember doing this every night till almost 2am or even later, when one of the babies cried or refused to sleep. How desperate I felt when, each time I passed the mirror while walking the length of the room and I could see their wide open eyes behind my shoulder. Then after long hours the eyes would gradually grow tired and close slowly, to a long, peaceful sleep, and I would place them very softly on the bed, kiss the lovely face, before almost falling down on the bed beside them, exhausted. And now, when I see his open eyes each time I pass the same mirror, I feel happy that they are open, I wish they remain so for some more time so I need not lie him on the bed, so I can carry him and hum t him for another minute. I get the feeling that he is also aware of this- of time flying, of the baby days that are about to get over, of this moment that may never come again. This may well be the last time we are doing this. I tell myself no, there are a few more months left for us, and then he says gently, 'Amma, bed..' and I take him to the bed and he is asleep almost instantly. The other two are already sleeping, and I kiss each of their faces and a mix of emotions overwhelm me. And suddenly I realize how funny I would look to them if they woke up now, how they would laugh, and I smile to myself before leaving the room.

Kidspeak

Some of the most beautiful and thought-provoking conversations I have had is with my about-to-be-four-year-old kids. It is so disarming the way they love unconditionally, and the way their mind works with the very limited exposure they have. As Penelope Leach says, they use about 25,000 words a day, when they have a total vocabulary of about 500 words! So while it is tiresome to listen to the repeated words, and exhausting to reply to hundreds of questions and demands (most of the time all three kids talk at once and I can't even make out what each one is saying), it is still enjoyable if I listen close. They go like this...

Daughter's first attempt at poetry..when Raman's(his real name is Suryanarayanan) turn at the swing was over I called Kutty for her turn. She says..'Raman poyi, Kutty vannu; Suryan poyi, nilaavu vannu' (Raman left, Kutty arrived- The Sun left, Moonshine arrived!)

Obviously my kids need a little more imagination..yesterday a spider bit me. I showed them the small swelling and with big drama told them 'amma will become spiderman tonight and go to save the world'..Then I turned in a flying action.. For a moment they looked wide eyed, i was satisfied and then Kutty turned and said matter-of-factly, 'amma won't become spiderman, if spider bit, amma will have to go to hospital..'

Balu's latest favourite hero is Zorro. So in a surge of affection he hugged me saying 'Amma oru bhayankara Zero aan!!' 

frown emoticon
gasp emoticon

Kutty: When is daddy going to come tonight?

Me: He will be quite late. After you sleep.

Kutty: Oh I ll see him before you do tonight.

Me: And how is that?

Kutty: He will come in my dreams.

Me: Are you listening to too many film songs?:(

I don't know where he got the name from..but today when I asked the name of the king who married Shakuntala, Raman says indifferently-"Sasi!" 

We have kept our data CDs separate from cartoon CDs, in paper cases of different colours. As they are on the top shelf kids cannot reach them, they can just see the coloured cases and they often ask for a green CD or a red one which they are not given. So yesterday we had quite a few guests including relatives, and Kutty was proudly talking about her cartoon CD collection to them. Then she animatedly said..'...apart from all these amma has a lot of blue CDs..' 

God, the number of dirty looks I got! 

As soon as we stepped inside the packed elevator in the mall, Kutty said,'Amma acha,i have a doubt'..Amma and acha instantly turned away as if we have no idea who the little girl is, because, well, the doubt could be anything.. Needless to say, the whole elevator got curious. Unfazed, Kutty fired-'Amma ente randanamma aano?'(Are you our stepmother?) Oops. Ok, so I scold her and threaten to beat sometimes, but am I like the legendary stepmother who mistreats kids? Everyone in the lift looked around to see who this monster was who mistreats the little angel, and their collective dirty look was on me as they guessed I was the amma. Then Balu explained-'Kutty second kutty aya kond amma randaan amma, balu third kutty, appo amma moonnaan amma'..(Since Kutty is the second child, you are her second mother-stepmother, Since Balu is third baby, you are my third mother!)

Phew!'

Adi thettiyaal aana yum veezhum' enna proverb n kutty ude addition- 'Adi kittiyaal aana yum nannaavum!' 

Children can really shut you up with their logic. Today Balu was saying a centipede when grows becomes a snake. I tried correcting him saying that only a small snake can grow into a big snake, a little centipede becomes only an adult centipede. Thats when he asks with his limited vocabulary,"Then why does a worm grows to become a butterfly?" 

On differentiating between binoculars,telescope,microscope,magnifying glass etc., I tell the kids-'Binoculars can make far away things seem closeby, we can see things clearly from a distance'. Then Balu asks me-'Oh,if buy binoculars will I see Ernakulam from here?'

Sightseeing in Kerala with chldren

Some of the beautiful locations in Kerala where we can visit and spend a day. I will keep updating this as and when I can.

Asuran Kund dam is a scenic place in Attur/Akamala/Thonnurkara, about 30km from Thrissur town. Pristine location, deep forest closeby and a good destination both for a family picnic and/or an adventure trip. The guards have done a commendable job of keeping it plastic and litter-free.

       

                                       

                                                    

Ilaveezha poonchira is a wonderful place with great breeze. Good for light trekking- not very exhausting.

(Ref: Wikipedia) "Ila-veezhaa-poonchira" means 'the pond of flowers where the leaves do not fall'. During the monsoons, the valley between a complex of mountains fills up to form a large pond. According to a legend, the Pandava had a sojourn here during their life incognito. Their wife, Draupadi, came to take a bath at a lake, which was present at that time. Some devas, bewitched by her beauty, tried to satisfy their voyeuristic itch. King of devas, Lord Indra, came to know about what was going on, and built screens or hills heaping flowers and prevented them from indulging in such a practice. And the pond thus became a dam isolated by floral hills. Since there were no trees around the bund, it was always free of leaves and so it was called Ila-veezha-poonchira. Some say that the name comes from the fact that it is always windy at the place and hence the leaves are carried away. Poonjira's myth is closely related to Agastya and his hermitage,he lived here and the native people believes that he still lives here,his hermitage is hidden in somewhere here. Another important attraction is the ancient krishna temple, that was founded by panjaly herself.the mass belief is that panjaly's akshayapatra is hidden here and it is protected by agastya.The myth is also associate with ramayana his vanavasa popularly believes that he lived here with lakshmana for few months. Ilavvezha Poonchira is located 55 km from Kottayam, and is 20 km from Thodupuzha. Melukavu is the highest part of the kottayam district.

Poomala Dam is an irrigation purpose dam and a tourist spot situated in Mulankunnathukavu Panchayath under Puzhakkal block inThrissur, Kerala. Pomala is a tourist attraction and Cheppara is a nice, light, trekking area.

Thrissur has no scarcity of dams. Chimmini Dam and Vazhani are beautiful locations. Vazhani is a good place to spend a half-day. Chimmini can be best explored in bamboo rafts arranged by the Tourism Department- https://www.keralatourism.org/destination/chimmini-thrissur/57

Shopping with kids in Kerala

How blissful it was when you could shop freely, look at each product label with care, read it all and decide what to buy, without looking every other second where the little bundle of energy who came with you ran off to! Yes, shopping with kids can be crazy, shopping with triplets- downright scary! If it is a retail shop, it is okay, but if it is a mall, the kids run around the whole place, knocking over things, take stuff ranging from chocolates to sanitary napkins off the rack or off the shopping carts of other shoppers who might not find it amusing. And then the tantrum if they find something extremely attractive and you refuse to buy it. Finally somehow you just get out of the shop, half the things in the shopping list still remaining to be bought, half of what is bought not according to the brands you wanted, and you realize that half the things in the packets are totally not of the list, which you bought anyway because your kids were making all sorts of tantrums. 

This is especially tough in Kerala because there are not many malls which offer play areas for children, or even a comfortable sitting space where either dad or mom can sit with the kids and manage them while the other can shop peacefully.

However, there are a few shopping malls in Kerala where there are kids play areas.

Abad Nucleus Mall in Maradu, Kochi has B-ActiveKidz- a nice little play area for children, where parents can leave children for half an hour or one hour. It is a large room with lot of play equipments to occupy the kids, and there is a small area filled with balls which my kids love. There are a few staff to look after the kids. The area and the toys are safe for play. Parents leave kids of age ranging from 1-2 years to ten years. There is a fee of Rs.250/- per child per hour. You need to make sure that the child does not wet the place and diapers are compulsory for children below age three. Also the child should wear socks, which we can bring with us, or buy from there itself. Parents can leave kids there and do their shopping in an hour or so and come back and get them. The staff would take your phone number and intimate you if your child needs you. Nucleus Mall is located on NH 49, on the way from Kundanoor to Thripunithura.

Ball Area at Nucleus Mall

It is all fun!

Jump Jump Jump!

Lulu Mall in Kochi has a large children's play area with lot of toys and equipments to engage kids for half a day. However parental supervision is required here and also there is a fee to use each of the equipment. Lulu also has come up with a town for children to play during summer vacation called ‘The Little Town’, sprawling over 15,000 square feet and featuring all the amenities of an actual town.There are roads, cars, driving schools, petrol pumps, newspaper office, playing areas, shops and a lot of other amenities inside Little Town, where kids get to be like adults doing what the grown ups do. It is open from 10 am to 9 pm and the entries are done using Sparkies card (a prepaid card available the play area). At a time, a kid is allowed for only three hours inside Little Town. Inside, parents can watch the activities of their kids from the designated adults area only.

Centresquare Mall in Kochi has a great variety of toys- all animation figurines like Spiderman, Chota Beem, Ben10 and so on and related products too. 

Elite supermarket in Thrissur (Karunakaran Nambiar Road) is the only supermarket in Thrissur which has a play area as of today, and this too is a small space with no particular protection. Even then it is okay to leave slightly older children there to play video games, or in case of smaller children one of the parents can sit there watching the child play on the small slide or seesaw, while the other parent can shop.
These are places that I have taken my children to. I have heard that Gold Souk in Kochi has a grand play area, and of course there will be so many other places where you can comfortably shop with kids. Please share your shopping experiences in Kerala with children in the comments area at the end of this post.

This is what I learnt after three years of shopping with triplets in Kerala-

1. Online shopping is best if you are buying clothes, books etc. You will have enough time to browse and choose after the kids sleep. Amazon and Flipkart offer great variety and great service.

2. If you have to buy from a shop, if both parents are going by car with the kids, try and find a shop where there is good parking facility. One of you can sit with the kids in the car while the other shops.

3. Similarly if there is a nice play area, one of the parents can sit there while the kids play and the other parents does shopping.

4. Once the child is old enough, say three and a half years old, the child also can actively participate in the shopping process. Teach him/her how to find a product, how to choose only what is required, how to stand in a queue and pay the bills, get the change, show the receipt to the security before leaving with the shopping bag etc. This is an immensely exciting activity- for you and for the child.

YES!! Hurray! Finally your child is four years old! He can handle himself, shop with you in a decent way or entertain himself with video games in the games area. You are now finally free again to read all those price tags, nutritional information, handling instructions and all sorts of labels on products. Feeling a tinge of sadness? Missing the energized ball who ran around you knocking over everything in sight before finally clinging on to you? Well, relax. He will be with you in a minute- the moment he gets bored of that gamezone.

Penelope Leach- on love and success in life

Whenever I feel angry or depressed about my own parental abilities, I take one of Penelope Leach's books and read. It is sure to lift my mood, and inspire me to be better mother. But nothing has inspired me so much as this one page, when it comes to being anxious about my children's performance academically. Sharing the page as it is.

Nobody loves a loser, but nothing creates a loser faster than the fearing loss of love..

Penelope Leach on Love and success in Life

Five intimate questions about IVF

There are hundreds of websites on information about IVF, ways to find out whether you are ready for IVF, the medical questions you should ask your doctor about IVF etc. However, here we shall see five intimate questions about IVF which you should ask yourself and personal fears which you should resolve within yourself, before embarking upon the journey.

1. Are you sure you want a baby? What if it is twins or triplets?  As ridiculous as this may sound to a couple waiting to get pregnant and trying for many years, this is the first question you should ask yourself. Parenting a baby is a blessing, it is fun, and it is a huge responsibility. If you are doing IVF there is a very good chance that you might conceive multiples- twins, triplets or more, babies, especially if the cause of your infertility is primarily low sperm count or motility. So, ask yourself-  
   • Are you financially well placed to handle both expected and unexpected expenses of IVF? 
   • If you conceive multiples do you have enough support from friends and family? Because parenting multiples is a huge task, at least for the first first three years.
   • When you take help from friends and family, it is a commitment. The bridge goes both ways. Also understand that they are helping you because they love you, and your yet to be born baby. Be grateful not for their help, but for their love.
   • Are you ready to take a lot of time-off from work, may be give up on some advancements in your career for a few years? Possibly either you or your spouse will need to stay home. Decide who will take temporary leave from job and stay at home to look after the babies. Are you both comfortable with that decision? Because in future there is a good chance that you might feel you are sacrificing your life/career while your spouse is not. No matter how much I say this, you may not give this aspect enough importance now, but you should.
   • There is statistical proof that many marriages bite the dust after a multiple pregnancy and delivery. The possible reasons and solutions we shall discuss in a future post. The question that you ask yourself now is, is your marriage strong enough to withstand the possible stresses that may result from IVF? 
   I am not trying here to scare you. On the other hand I am trying o encourage you. Some marriages bond in much stronger ways after a multiple pregnancy and delivery. So do the bonds with family and friends. And after 3-4 years you can get back to your work, uplift your career. Parenting is fun, it also helps your creativity, and thus the prospects of your success in life! So, go for it! This post on my decision to have a baby might interest you.
2. What if IVF fails? Which brings us to our second question- what if IVF fails? Are you ready to handle the grief, the disappointment? Also the lost money? There are many institutions and groups which offer emotional support. But the first support should come from within you, and from your spouse. Prayer and meditation can help a lot. Remember three things- (1). Whatever happens, happens for a reason, happens for good. Count your blessings. (2). Being childless is not the end of life, you have your life, your hobbies, career, travel, books, love and romance. Even having a pet can help quite a lot. Do not be disheartened. (3).  Adoption is an option you have. If you are really ready and willing to be a parent, biology is no barrier- you can always love a baby- any baby- with all your heart, the fulfillment is not an iota less. 
3. Do you have a pet? A pet dog, cat, bird or fish can relieve your stress quite a lot. I would highly recommend having and loving one, before starting the IVF journey.
4. Are you scared of needles? Scared that IVF will hurt? Well, I was. I was dead-scared. And this is what I learned from my experience- (1) Share your fear. Tell anyone who would listen about your fear. They might make fun of you, but there is a good chance that many of them might be having the same fear. If you tell the doctor or the nurse about the fear, they will be gentle in handling the situation, distracting you from the pain. So, don't be shy to share the fear. (I have been made fun of and laughed at, for fearing the needle at this age, being a professional, a teacher and all- and now, a mother of three! Well, I am scared, and that is that). You can distract yourself by thinking about the happiest and most exciting experiences of your life, about your romantic adventures etc. Apart from the regular shots, there are a few tests that might hurt during IVF. For embryo transfer, most possibly you will be put under anesthesia. For me, I was put under general anesthesia, so I did not even know about what happened. On the whole, in my experience, I expected a LOT of pain, but thankfully it was very minimal. So take heart. (The story in detail is given in my older posts. See http://tripletshouse.blogspot.in/2011/06/ivf.html). This webpage has some great tips- http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-a-Fear-of-Needles
   
5. What about future side-effects? I am not a medical expert, but from my personal experience, I have had no side effects at all from IVF. My triplet pregnancy and OHSS caused problems, but nothing was carried over to future. However, understand that this is your body and your life, so discuss all your medical conditions and possible side effects with your doctor first.

On the whole, my personal recommendation is that, if your answer to the first question is a yes, then, go for it! IVF is not half as scary as you might expect, and it is worth the try. 
Do you have any other personal or intimate question about IVF you would like to share? We will discuss if you just post it in the comments column. If you want you can post anonymously too.