I Wanted to Scream and Run Away: Postpartum Depression in a Triplets' Mother

'Food is on the table', my mother said. I felt a lump rise to my throat at such a simple sentence. I was convinced that there was a hidden impatience in her tone- a confirmation of my fears. 

I got up and with difficulty walked to the table- it still hurt where they had cut me open- sat down and started eating, when Baby-A started crying. Baby-B and C were sleeping. My mother brought the baby to me and gently but firmly placed him in my lap. The lump in   my throat grew larger and I felt tears rolling down my cheeks, and I felt very ashamed. I kept my face away so my mother wouldn’t see the tears, and I held my baby with my left arm, gently rocked him on my lap and ate with my right hand. 

On finishing, I got up and placed baby on the bed, he was fast asleep by now. I took the empty plates and slowly walked to the wash all the time hoping that my mother would say no, keep the plate there. I will wash. She didn’t. Again I felt ashamed for wishing so, and again I felt the tears. Once inside the toilet I kept the tap running and cried aloud, uncontrollably, for long minutes. When I felt somewhat better I got out and walked to the bed without letting my mother see my face.

We were in one of the private rooms attached to the NICU. It was a week after my triplets were born, and the day we got all of them in the room from NICU. My hormones were raging. I felt absolutely, thoroughly depressed. I just wanted to get out of the room, leave everything, especially the babies, and run away. I wanted my old, calm and peaceful life back. Or at least be able to just sit on the bed with my baby on my lap and gently talk to him while watching his face, make him smile, watch his expressions. I wanted to do that with each of my babies, but having all three together, I could not even look closely at one's face- I had to run around all the time. I couldn’t bear to hear the constant crying, the constant demands for milk, the constant failure to produce any breast-milk, the constant mixing of formula, cleaning the bottles, warming the water, and the diaper changing thrice every couple of hours or even less. 

First days of my babies

One month back I was still having my bed rest. I was not supposed to get up-even to eat. My parents brought the food, served it hot and I barely sat up (because I simply could not eat lying down) and ate. After washing my mouth I would lie down again. Watch some TV or read or talk to my babies in the womb. It was so much better when they were inside. All chaos started when they came out. 

After completing my 35^th week of pregnancy and still counting, I was asked to stop my bed rest, and walk for some time every day. It was very difficult, nevertheless joyful, because my husband helped me walk; we went to the open terrace of the hospital and took strolls. Back in the room my mother talked to me while I took small steps holding her hand and I was treated like a special person.

It all ended the moment my babies came out. I was brought back to my room, and my babies were taken to NICU. The pain of the C-section was killing me, the strong desire to see my babies, the grief of not being able to see them and the uncertainty about the future made me feel thoroughly depressed. 

The nurses were urging me to get up and walk when all I wanted was to just lie down and sleep forever. They asked me to try and express milk when nothing would come. I saw them take small feeding bottles to NICU, all filled with breast-milk expressed by other new mothers whose babies were also in the NICU. I felt so jealous, unhappy and ashamed. 

Then my husband went to NICU and brought some videos of our babies. I snatched the mobile and watched them with hunger and longing. My babies looked perfect, the tiny, soft fingers, and the pink color, thin lips- I felt overjoyed suddenly and wanted to see them desperately. The next day I was taken to NICU and saw them. I fell in love, I wanted to hold them and keep them with me, but at the same time I was frightened. I had no idea how to handle three tiny babies at the same time. 

In 6-7 days we got the babies in the room, one by one. They were very normal, although slightly underweight, but being new born and being one month premature, and being fed formula through a tube attached to the nose, they cried whenever they woke up. This was quite normal, and I wouldn’t have found this an inconvenience at all had it been a single baby, but three babies crying together or one after the other was getting on my nerves. It wasn’t their crying, it was my own helplessness and inability to hold them all together was what made me feel terrible. 

Then there were a lot of opinions- anyone who visited or stayed to help or just heard about the babies, had some advice- many of which contradicted with what the doctors instructed. Relatives said babies should sleep on their backs, not on their tummy like doc instructed; they said babies should be held horizontally in our hands while doc told us to hold them vertically resting their chin on our shoulder. All this confused me and I just wanted to get out of this mess. I looked at the world with hatred as if everyone conspired against me. The next moment I also felt guilty and ashamed for feeling thus. 

My parents and husband understood and supported and loved me completely, but even that I could not recognize or appreciate in my depression. But now when I look back I can see how blessed I was and am to have the three of them in my life, and how much more I could have enjoyed those first days with my babies if I had recognized the love and effort of my parents and husband in helping me out. 

As a new mother, if I had a single child, all I would have had to do would be to sit on the bed with my feet up and baby on lap, and feed him and watch his face. But as a mother of triplets I always had to move around, mixing formula, cleaning bottles and changing diapers- there was no time to enjoy my babies’ faces. Or to have the kind of traditional prasavaraksha (a postpartum care package) guaranteed to make me healthy enough to take care of the babies in the future. My mother constantly said aloud that I should undergo prasavaraksha, but it was not possible at the time. We needed all hands to help out. I could not back off and take life leisurely.

I am not elaborating. But the first year of my motherhood was a roller coaster ride of emotions- imbalances. I cried at least once every day, I wanted to scream and run away, and I always felt as if I was bound by chains, and there were these walls around me, imprisoning me, and there were these whips lashing at me urging me to constantly work while I wanted to rest. I wanted to be near my husband and cry my heart out and tell him all I felt, but I never got the chance because we were all busy all the time with the babies. Had I been able to do that I would have definitely felt better. Once we got a chance to go out for a check-up, and my parents took care of the babies for a couple of hours. That was when I chanced upon Babyhood and reading some part of it every night came as a huge relief.

On hindsight, this is what I would like to tell all new mothers of multiples, about postpartum depression-

1. If you feel that you are not treated like a special person anymore, wait for a few weeks. Once your baby starts recognizing faces, yours will be the first one she will recognize, and from then on, you will never feel you are not special- you are THE ONLY special person in the world for your baby.
2. It is perfectly normal to feel like screaming or running away. (I am not telling the other, more dangerous thoughts that I had, but believe me, I had them). If you want to talk about it, I am ready to listen, just give a call. Or there are many forums online about postpartum depression, just talk to those wonderful ladies out there. You are sure to feel better.
3. Appreciate everyone’s help, and try to love and spend time with your babies- this too shall pass soon.
4. Understand that what you are undergoing is due to hormone imbalance, and this is much more than what the mothers of single babies usually undergo. Research has proved it. So it is not your fault- don’t feel ashamed at what you are feeling. You do love your baby; it will take some time to realize it.
5. If possible read books like Babyhood, if possible show posts like this to your family- tell them you are undergoing this phase. They may not understand, but at least you tried. 

And finally, talk and share your anxieties, pray and meditate. It will help.

Guilty feeling over formula feeding

There are some things normally people take for granted- like having eyes. Only when you don't have them do you realize their value. A new mother's ability to breastfeed her baby is similar to this. When she suddenly finds that she does not have any milk to feed the baby, she feels absolutely inadequate, and feels that she missed a very important phase in her life.

 It took a while for me to come to terms with my guilty feeling over formula feeding my babies. I read about Breastfeeding vs Formula in many places, and I was sure I was going to breastfeed. But for a mother of triplets formula feeding may not be a choice she makes, but a necessity. But here I am, voicing my thoughts on the subject, based purely on my experience. I hope this helps at least a few new mothers in alleviating their emotional stress. Probably it is not an issue in societies where formula feeding babies is a way of life, and is not frowned upon. But in our society babies are always breastfed, so a mother feels like a failure when she is unable to breastfeed her baby.

It was always taken for granted for me that I would breastfeed my babies, given the nutrition, the immunity it provides, the bonding that would develop between mother and child, and the sheer pleasure of breastfeeding. That I should think about what to feed my babies long before I actually gave birth was not something I knew. Much later, after I passed all the stages where I could actually make any change, I saw some websites and books where the mothers (especially those of multiples) took the decision to breastfeed and worked towards achieving that. However I hadn't thought about it because I was too preoccupied with making it to the 37th week. And somehow I assumed in my subconscious that I was actually going to be able to breastfeed the threesome, only that they should come out safely.

Then during the 33rd week (20th Jan 2012), the nurses came to me and asked if I was ready to breastfeed physically- because nipples tend to depress while undergoing bed rest. I said I was ready, but after checking the nurses told me that it was not actually enough for babies to suck. So they brought a syringe without a needle, attached its open end to the nipple and sucked it out. It was quite painful when they did it, so I took the syringe and started practicing by sucking them out. Not good enough. Besides, I read that they should start producing milk long before delivery. Mine did not. Then many mothers, many books and many doctors told me that it was not a problem, once baby started sucking, naturally breasts would start producing, they told me. The more they sucked, the more lactation would happen. I certainly hoped so. I had never even considered feeding them anything else for the first six months.

(Wikipedia on breastfeeding, as well as many other wonderful sites give detailed information on the topic- the hormone production, lactation etc. I strongly recommend that all would be mothers, especially of multiples, or pregnant after IVF, or mothers in their 30s, should read it and be informed)

After babies were born, I could see them only on the second day. It is always best to start breastfeeding within an hour of delivery, but for me, they were  in the NICU and I was in the room. Nurses asked me to express milk (suck it using pumping machine ad collect the milk, or as in my case use the syringe and collect the milk in a bottle.) and give it at NICU. No luck. I could not get even 10ml of milk. Dr.AG, the neo-natologist who had met us before, advised that I stick with formula and not try to breastfeed. I said I wanted to, so he said OK, try it. He asked the nurses if they got any colostrum from me, and they said not really. I was crestfallen at that moment. I hated the doc, hated the nurses, hated myself, hated all other mothers who could so easily hold their babies the moment they are born and breastfeed till the baby was full. Oh, how jealous I was! I heard stories about triplets' moms who could feed all three till they were full. Here I was, not producing enough to satisfy even one, even partially.

This went on till we were discharged. We got the babies one by one to our room. Doc said I shouldn't force the babies to suck, as sucking a lot and not getting milk would cause the babies to lose weight even more. Also it would frustrate them. The first day after I got my first baby, nobody would allow me to try feeding. The nurses would come every hour and tube feed him through the nose- 5ml of formula in the first couple of days. We were supposed to prepare the formula and keep it ready every hour (the recommended formula was Enfamil). At precisely every hour, baby would wake and start crying. Nurse would come, feed through nose, and he would stop crying and sleep. I would watch helplessly, like the ignorant and inadequate mother I was. I can still feel the frustration of not being able to pick up, cuddle the baby, or feed him. I was also fighting the raging hormones in me, getting depressed every now and then, crying at the silliest things. After the bed rest and all the care I enjoyed, I was suddenly supposed to get up, walk, prepare formula, change diapers, pick up the baby (damn, I have never held a newborn before, let alone a premature, low-birth-weight one) and do everything a normal person does.

The nurses were quite condescending towards me, as I was not even able to hold the baby properly. Also I wanted to be technically correct, and since the doc said the baby should not be overfed but just 5ml per hour, I wouldn't let the nurses feed him more, even when he cried. The nurses were talking among themselves that what a strange mother I was, not giving enough food to the baby. One nurse, who was especially concerned, advised me that it was only right to feed the baby till he stopped crying, whatever the doc said. I wasn't sure, so we limited the milk intake to precisely what was prescribed. And baby sometimes cried even after feeding.(Thankfully the dosage increased everyday and soon he got enough).

Anyway,the first night after we got our first baby in the room (Feb 17th,2012). Doc instructed that only the parents should stay in the room, so my mother left in the evening and Ramesh and I stayed with our baby. Sometime during late evening Ramesh went out to get something, the nurses wouldn't come for another half an hour, I was alone with my baby. Perfect chance. When he started moving in sleep I gently picked him up. That was the first time I was picking him up without assistance. I held him, lay him on my lap and put him to my chest. He tried to latch on, but both of us, especially I, was clumsy. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and I got tensed. Just imagine, having to feed my own baby secretly. (It all seems so silly and immature now. I could have just started feeding as soon as I got him, no matter what anybody says. But on those days it was unthinkable. We were all nervous, scared, praying and grateful that the babies survived and were healthy enough) Anyway when I opened the door it was Ramesh and although he too was telling me not to feed the baby, this time he said he would hold the baby so he can try and latch on. He did latch on and tried sucking, but nothing came I think. It was one of the most beautiful half hour of my life.

And so it went on. Next day the nurses helped with the feeding, but still no milk. We got all three babies, got discharged, came home, still no milk. We continued the formula, now fed through mouth, with the syringe first and later with a gokarna (a bondla) and still later with bottle. I was upset and very angry those days. And helpless. Anybody could feed the babies. That too upset me, but I knew I needed all the help I could get. Me, my husband and parents took turns feeding them. (In fact this made the babies to connect emotionally with the whole family even at a very early age, and how my parents and husband loved feeding them!)

As part of my Prasavaraksha (a post-delivery care for the mother) everyday a lady came to bathe me in the traditional way, and after the bath I ate hot rice with drumstick tree leaves. I had fenugreek, I bought and ate a lot of Lactare- granules containing asparagus, I tried using a breast pump every three hours, but all to no avail. There was some milk, but never enough. Finally I gave in, and the babies were entirely fed on formula.

Once my hormones sort of settled down, I started thinking a bit rationally and concluded thus-

1. It was a mistake to not think about feeding earlier on, a mistake I will never be able to correct, and thus no point in thinking about it anymore.

2. May be I should have started breastfeeding as soon as I got the babies. But then doctors and nurses know more than me, and they all insisted it was not good for the babies to suck and lose energy.

3. May be even after all preparations I might not have produced milk, due to my age,my IVF, medicines I took for OHSS etc.

4. I don't know if this is medically correct- at one time my eldest only was breastfeeding as he had more weight than the younger ones, and after his feeding, he used to throw up frequently. We were careful to burp all the babies after each feeding, and we always held them and laid them on their stomach in such a way that there was no gas formation, still he threw up. And I think it could either be because he sucked and got only air(causing gas) instead of milk, or because of the food I ate(it happened especially when I ate a little sweet, or mango or something out of the regular diet). So it is my understanding that the quality of breast milk, with all the advantages associated with it, depends a lot on the food the mother eats. If she doesn't have a nutritious diet, then may be the milk also will not have all the qualities it is supposed to have. On the other hand, formula has constant supply of nutrition, however inferior to breast milk. I am not recommending formula instead of breast milk, but I am saying that it should not be considered too bad if the baby can have only formula. Besides, by God's grace, my babies were not lacking in their immunity either, as can be seen from the way they were not any more sick than any exclusively breastfed baby.

5. Penelope Leach in 'Babyhood' says a lot about how it is a personal decision whether to breastfeed, how a working mother cannot always do it, how a mother who wishes to breastfeed but cannot due to low milk supply can still bond with the baby while feeding with a bottle (there is a distance factor- a newborn baby can clearly see things at a distance of 25-30 cm only, which is the distance of the mother's face when the baby is breastfeeding), and how it is rewarding for the rest of the family also if they are allowed to participate in the feeding-and-bonding-with-the-baby process. It is wonderful the way she says it, and it was sort of liberating for me.

update on 11/10/2014: I still feel a little sad about the missed opportunity to breastfeed, but now I am clear- it was not a mistake to resort to formula alone. The situation demanded it, and we did a very good job of formula-feeding. They were always fed in bottles sterilized by boiling, they were fed the right amounts at all right times. Sure, the formula is expensive, but even now they are fed that, and not cow's milk, or any other health powder. Enfamil was given till they were a year old, then Nan-Pro was given till they were two and a half. They had Enfagrow for a while, but did not quite like it, so they are continuing Nan-Pro. Now they have formula every morning 150 ml each, evening 240 ml and night just before sleep another 150 ml each.

One advantage of Formula feeding is that it enables the whole family to bond with the baby. Grandmother with baby. He loves the posture!

The video shows me formula-feeding my firstborn with a bondla

If you are a mother who was forced to formula feed your baby, these links will help in lessening your guilty feeling about formula feeding-

 http://jezebel.com/5934750/sorry--you-cant-guilt-trip-me-about-bottle-feeding-my-kids

http://www.babycenter.com/0_top-7-mommy-guilt-trips-8211-and-how-to-handle-them_3654967.bc

http://guiltfreebottlefeeding.com/

Did you feel guilty formula feeding? Please share your experience in the comments section. 

Triplets First Months

NICU days

22-02-2012

Ultrasound scan today revealed lack of albumin and hemoglobin for me. So I am getting a bottle blood transfusion now. Both babies cried today whole day. 

                    

I am finding the transformation from a pampered- bed resting pregnant lady to a responsible, supposedly energetic mother of triplets very difficult. I didn't have to even sit up to eat just 10 days back. Now I am supposed to serve myself, eat, attend to babies even during meals and pick them up if they cry, wash my plates, have my bath (I am still having postpartum bleeding and using a number of maternity pads)- all this while still having the pain from the surgery, swollen legs (postpartum edema) and this rush of hormones which is making me depressed and unhappy and angry all the while..This indeed has turned out to be the most trying time of my life. That, before getting my third baby in the room.

Hospital bill is mounting. No idea how to pay everything. Ramesh has finally quit office and started work independently. I need to rejoin course this year- in July- for sure (otherwise my job itself will be in jeopardy), so we might all have to shift to Chennai, which again will cause a lot of expenditure. I feel faint thinking of all this.

25-02-2012

Got Baby-C also in the room. All three are crying a lot. C has a big bandage where his umbilical chord was cut. He cried a lot in the room. I hugged him and held him tightly to my chest, then he stopped crying. My mother holds him all the time now- she feels that he needs the warmth of a body. He seems to be content to lie down in her lap.

02-03-2012

Babies are still fed through the tube in the nose. Nurses come and feed them every hour, we prepare and keep the formula before they come. Now they have 10 ml every hour. Nurses still come to help me with breast pumping. We bought a pump for Rs.3000/-, but it is of no use. Nothing much is coming out. So we are sticking to formula. When Baby-A alone was given to us, we had some time to get used to him, to feed and change nappy and look at him. When Baby- B was given to us they facilitated a new, bigger room in the NICU ward. This room has two single cots which we join at night, a table, two chairs and an attached large toilet. I found it a bit difficult to handle two babies at once. Then suddenly Baby-C also was handed to us, two days before the specified date for his discharge from NICU. In a way it was a relef because it meant that we can go home sooner, but when he came to the room I was overwhelmed. All three started crying and tears welled up in my eyes at the helplessness. I didn't know whom to pick up, how to feed them together, how to soothe- nothing. All my physical discomforts seemed to choke my, and I sat there totally helpless and got all criticisms and scolding from my family and the nurses and the doctor for not doing enough for the babies. The doctor specifically told my mother not to help too much, else I might take that opportunity to shy away from my responsibilities. My mother wanted me to get good post-delivery care (prasavaraksha), but at the same time she wanted me to feed the babies and take care of them. My husband said that there was a belief that 90 nerves broke during a delivery and so 90 days of rest should be given to me. But that also was just words- no one could really let me take any rest, because we needed all the help we could have from everyone, including me. A physiotherapy team came and advised me to sit with my legs up always, never hanging it down, so the swelling would go. Also they showed me some exercises I was supposed to do while lying in bed. But none of these could be done as all of us were totally occupied with the babies. My mother helped me take my bath every day, which was a huge relief. I was still bleeding after the cesarean, and I sort of became used to sanitary pads. The moment I enter the bathroom one of the babies would start crying. I had to take several breaks during meals to soothe babies.

My father comes at around 8 am with breakfast, just like how he used to during my bed rest. He adores Baby- B. When my mother comes at around 10 am with lunch, me and Ramesh have our breakfast and Ramesh leaves to take care of office and sites- only the most important schedules. DrAG comes for the regular rounds and nurses drop by every hour. Rames is back by afternoon. They sleep long hours, and they don't wake up when they hear other babies crying. But when they are up, they cry most of the time. Then we feed them, change nappies and try to soothe them. Baby-C cries very softly though very insistently, and at night we would be so dead tired and asleep that we may not wake up for a long time to his cries.

We have not started bathing the babies- only oil massage now. Either me or Ramesh do the massaging. The whole body is massaged starting from belly button- push it inside, rub the nipples inside, then both hands are massaged with olive oil, both legs are massaged and thighs massaged inward to give the shape. Then back is massaged, buttocks in circular motion and finally face and head, ears also. Feed after massage and they are in for a long sleep. Now we use massaging olive oil, it gives a shining softness to the skin. 

Baby-A has a large birthmark- Doc said it is because that part of his skin was in constant contact with my uterus wall. Possible, considering how lazy he was to move around in the womb :) (I seriously think that was caused by my dear Lord Krishna touching him there :) Just like the story where squirrels get their marks on the skin when Lord Rama stroked them on the back). When the babies are not crying and are in a good mood, well fed, it is nice to sit and watch their faces. The eyelashes are just growing..when they came there were no lashes. Now it is beautiful to see the thick lashes coming. The color of skin keeps changing. The pink caused by extra hemoglobin is slowly fading replaced by their original skin color. They try to grab the tube from the nose. Baby-B has devised a technique- she somehow reaches for her face, moves the hand slowly to the nose and finally grabs the tube! Baby-A's tube came off twice. It was painful to watch him cry when they put it back on. I hope they remove all the tubes fast and they can drink through their mouths. Baby-A has constipation at times. We had to use suppository once. They placed the suppository while lying him on the stomach and he cried so much that I too cried. The nurses scolded me saying that if I start crying every time a baby cries, I won't have a time without tears. Supposed to brace me up. He pooped some and his poop is always dark green in color. Not a problem, the doc said. Baby-B poops twice or thrice a day, Baby-C poops after each feeding. Very loose and very yellow. He is supposed to be the least healthy, but I find that his system functions the most properly. He is thin, only skin and bones, beautiful eyes, but some relatives thought he did not even resemble a human child. I did not think so. He is a handsome baby, and once he gets his fat, he will be a heartthrob I am sure.

I don't believe in overfeeding the babies and making them fat, but they require some fat to develop immunity, and also to sustain them when and if it becomes difficult to take milk due to some sickness. They do throw up at times. Baby-C cannot bear hunger- especially because of the lack of fat, I think-he cries his heart out sharp one hour after a feeding, and does not stop until formula milk reaches his body. At night we were fast asleep the other day, tired from the day, and I woke up hearing an even, muted sound of a bird. Then I saw it was my baby crying, very quiet, but with a lot of hunger pangs clearly seen on the face. We quickly called the nurses and fed him and afterwards he slept peacefully. 

My legs are still swollen. I am supposed to sit with my legs up always. The physical education instructors came again and gave a brief about what exercises to follow- again. I am trying to dosome of them, but not very easy to do with all the pain.

03-03-2012

Two more bottles of blood transfusion, to ease the swelling on the legs. Ophthalmologist and ENT came and checked babies' eyesight, hearing, reactions etc. They looked very grave, and serious, but I think they were satisfied with the results. Anyway, we are satisfied- they always react to all kinds of sounds and lights. Babies got rid of their tubes and are being fed through their mouths- using syringes and gokarna. 

05-03-2012

Finally, back home!! After four long, eventful months!!

Morning was a frenzy of packing. Baby-A did not bother with all that and kept latched on to me, and my mother named him 'Raman' for that! Meaning he loves to eat. :) We have decided on their real names, but we are now calling them Raman, Arya and Chaattu. Raman sounds the most optimum name for Baby-A. Arya is my father's choice, and Chattu because he used to jump a lot while inside me!

There was no boiled water when we reached home. All pandemonium because babies needed water, and milk. Finally got around to fixing the stove, boiling and cooling water. Now we are using feeding bottles. The hospital is against the use of bottles, but we reasoned to ourselves that there is no chance that the babies will ever get to have breastfeeding. So why make things complicated? Feeding through syringe and gokarna is very difficult, especially now we are on our own.

My parents have decided to stay with us and help for a few more weeks. Thank God!

NEXT...Babies' first months
post on Breastfeeding and formula

Triplets Birth and NICU

They have arrived!

I was too occupied these days.. so all the entries in this post are written by Ramesh on my behalf.

09-02-2012

The preparations are on. 50 cm x 50 cm white cloths washed and dried with edges stitched kept ready , two white double dhoti washed and dried in sun is also ready. B+ blood might be required, so identified four people. (Blood is available at IMA, but we can replace it).

10-02-2012

Puja and prayers at temples done. Had a bed side scan. Nothing significant.

11-02-2012

Raining mightily. Rare for February.

Just getting ready for the big day.

14-02-2012

At the conclusion of a journey of waiting, hoping and praying we became parents at 9.30 am today. 36 weeks and 6 days.

Operation theater at 8.00 am. I drifted off with anesthesia. When I woke up I thought the effect wore off in the middle of the surgery, because I felt that my belly was still cut open, searing sharp pain cutting through the skin. In a few seconds I gathered that the surgery was over, the skin is indeed stitched, it is only the pain of the past. Then I heard the magical words- one of the doctors was telling someone else (on the phone, I think)..'..two boys and one girl..' I savored the moment. As I was quiet, and since they knew I was conscious, the nurses became concerned. They told me that it is over and prompted me to ask something. When I asked how much the babies weigh, they were relieved. They said, 'eldest is son, he is 2.07 kg,(I smiled), second is girl, 1.74 kg (a little low?) and third is boy, 1.545 kg (oh, is he OK?)'. They said all three are OK, and are taken to NICU. 

Then they pushed the stretcher out and took me to the room. A mix of happiness and sorrow filled me. I think it is very important that the moment mother wakes up the baby/ies should be there for her to see, touch, hug and kiss..That moment will never come back. At least just for five minutes..it is the need of her body and soul, and may be the same for the babies too. I now think that I should have requested it before the surgery started, they would not have denied it, unless there was an emergency (which, thankfully, wasn't there). But at the time I did not know what was about to happen. I still miss not seeing them the moment I opened my eyes. Nevertheless I was so, so deeply thankful everything went well, babies were healthy and I felt blessed.

Version of my parents and husband- 

Many relatives were present outside the OT, Ramesh's brothers and sisters, my mother's sister, and my dear friend MD teacher (she was the first to come, and stay throughout). Akka was inside the OT all throughout. At 9.40 am a nurse came out and informed everyone about the births. Soon three nurses came out one by one, each holding a tiny white bundle with only a sweet, tiny face outside, and they rushed off to the elevator to the NICU. My mother also crammed into the elevator and got a glimpse of the faces. Only Baby-A was making a kitten like sound. B and C were sleeping.

Baby-A, 3 hours old, at NICU

Baby- B, 3 hours old, at NICU

Baby-C, 3 hours old, at NICU

Much later I woke up in the room. Many of our relatives and well wishers came and left. Ramesh had a chance to go to NICU and see the babies. He brought back the video which I watched hungrily many times. The most beautiful babies in the world. Couldn't take my eyes off the tiny pink fingers. When my little girl opened her mouth as if to ask for milk, my heart melted. She had a lot of hair on her body-my naughty chimp! Baby-C was crying a lot, the nurses said. They had some little problems like yellowish tint of the skin (they call it jaundice, though it is not very serious) which was being treated at NICU. Also they were being given vitamins, iron and other supplements. They were covered in tubes. Formula was being fed through nose. I could not yet produce milk. (This whole issue is described in another section). In the evening nurses came and forced me to get up and walk, so my cut would heal soon. It seemed like torture, though they were extremely gentle and patient with me. I simply could not walk to the bath room, and I simply wanted to lie down, curl up and sleep.

Thus I went to bed with a lot of physical pain, lot of craving to see them, and anxiousness and hopes for tomorrow.

15-02-2012

Saw my babies today. All three cried. Then they got their pacifiers and slept. I just watched them for a long time, touched them and then left.

Neonatologist is DrAG. He is very good. All babies in NICU are made to lie on their stomach. Reduces gas it seems. My family and elders are apprehensive about it, but we are following doc's orders anyway.

16-02-2012

Last night was too painful Could not sleep. Morning doctor came and insisted that I walk, only then the gas will go and pain will subside. Bought formula for babies.

17-02-2012

We shifted to one of the private rooms attached to NICU. Small room, two small cots. Then they gave my eldest- Baby-A- all to myself.

Usually DrAG allows only parents in NICU. But in my case as we require help with the trio, my parents are also allowed to come. In the afternoon after Baby-A came, Ramesh went to buy cloths, formula and diapers for him. They placed him on a pillow, on his stomach. Me and mother were too scared to move him or pick him up. Later the nurses showed us how to change diapers, how to give olive oil massage to him etc. Every one hour they come and feed him 6 ml formula through the nose. Some of the nurses are very good and sweet, some are a bit rude. 

Late evening mother left and Ramesh went out to have dinner. He had just had his formula, and the nurse left. I was alone with him, I closed to door and tried to hold him and feed him. He tried to latch on, too. Blessed moments. Have described it in another section.

Started the process of obtaining birth certificates.

19-02-2012 

Got our little girl- Baby-B- at 2 pm today. I am becoming slightly possessive of them.  

Nurses taught us how to hold the babies supporting their heads- holding behind their necks. Very easy to pick them up and hold once we master it. Mother still prefers to hold them horizontally, but holding them vertically is more scientific- lets out the gas, easy to burp and less colic. Both babies sleep a lot but at the end of an hour, if formula feeding is a bit late- even 5 minutes- they stir up and start crying. Even though DrAG has instructed 6 ml and 5 ml, sometimes nurses give them more formula saying they are still hungry. I criticized them once for this, and they were surprised saying that we should see to it that they are well-fed. I felt sheepish. May be I should not adhere to rule book- I should understand the babies' needs more.

Both babies sleep next to each other, on the same pillow. Cute to watch.

NEXT...NICU days