Five intimate questions about IVF

There are hundreds of websites on information about IVF, ways to find out whether you are ready for IVF, the medical questions you should ask your doctor about IVF etc. However, here we shall see five intimate questions about IVF which you should ask yourself and personal fears which you should resolve within yourself, before embarking upon the journey.

1. Are you sure you want a baby? What if it is twins or triplets?  As ridiculous as this may sound to a couple waiting to get pregnant and trying for many years, this is the first question you should ask yourself. Parenting a baby is a blessing, it is fun, and it is a huge responsibility. If you are doing IVF there is a very good chance that you might conceive multiples- twins, triplets or more, babies, especially if the cause of your infertility is primarily low sperm count or motility. So, ask yourself-  
   • Are you financially well placed to handle both expected and unexpected expenses of IVF? 
   • If you conceive multiples do you have enough support from friends and family? Because parenting multiples is a huge task, at least for the first first three years.
   • When you take help from friends and family, it is a commitment. The bridge goes both ways. Also understand that they are helping you because they love you, and your yet to be born baby. Be grateful not for their help, but for their love.
   • Are you ready to take a lot of time-off from work, may be give up on some advancements in your career for a few years? Possibly either you or your spouse will need to stay home. Decide who will take temporary leave from job and stay at home to look after the babies. Are you both comfortable with that decision? Because in future there is a good chance that you might feel you are sacrificing your life/career while your spouse is not. No matter how much I say this, you may not give this aspect enough importance now, but you should.
   • There is statistical proof that many marriages bite the dust after a multiple pregnancy and delivery. The possible reasons and solutions we shall discuss in a future post. The question that you ask yourself now is, is your marriage strong enough to withstand the possible stresses that may result from IVF? 
   I am not trying here to scare you. On the other hand I am trying o encourage you. Some marriages bond in much stronger ways after a multiple pregnancy and delivery. So do the bonds with family and friends. And after 3-4 years you can get back to your work, uplift your career. Parenting is fun, it also helps your creativity, and thus the prospects of your success in life! So, go for it! This post on my decision to have a baby might interest you.
2. What if IVF fails? Which brings us to our second question- what if IVF fails? Are you ready to handle the grief, the disappointment? Also the lost money? There are many institutions and groups which offer emotional support. But the first support should come from within you, and from your spouse. Prayer and meditation can help a lot. Remember three things- (1). Whatever happens, happens for a reason, happens for good. Count your blessings. (2). Being childless is not the end of life, you have your life, your hobbies, career, travel, books, love and romance. Even having a pet can help quite a lot. Do not be disheartened. (3).  Adoption is an option you have. If you are really ready and willing to be a parent, biology is no barrier- you can always love a baby- any baby- with all your heart, the fulfillment is not an iota less. 
3. Do you have a pet? A pet dog, cat, bird or fish can relieve your stress quite a lot. I would highly recommend having and loving one, before starting the IVF journey.
4. Are you scared of needles? Scared that IVF will hurt? Well, I was. I was dead-scared. And this is what I learned from my experience- (1) Share your fear. Tell anyone who would listen about your fear. They might make fun of you, but there is a good chance that many of them might be having the same fear. If you tell the doctor or the nurse about the fear, they will be gentle in handling the situation, distracting you from the pain. So, don't be shy to share the fear. (I have been made fun of and laughed at, for fearing the needle at this age, being a professional, a teacher and all- and now, a mother of three! Well, I am scared, and that is that). You can distract yourself by thinking about the happiest and most exciting experiences of your life, about your romantic adventures etc. Apart from the regular shots, there are a few tests that might hurt during IVF. For embryo transfer, most possibly you will be put under anesthesia. For me, I was put under general anesthesia, so I did not even know about what happened. On the whole, in my experience, I expected a LOT of pain, but thankfully it was very minimal. So take heart. (The story in detail is given in my older posts. See http://tripletshouse.blogspot.in/2011/06/ivf.html). This webpage has some great tips- http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-a-Fear-of-Needles
   
5. What about future side-effects? I am not a medical expert, but from my personal experience, I have had no side effects at all from IVF. My triplet pregnancy and OHSS caused problems, but nothing was carried over to future. However, understand that this is your body and your life, so discuss all your medical conditions and possible side effects with your doctor first.

On the whole, my personal recommendation is that, if your answer to the first question is a yes, then, go for it! IVF is not half as scary as you might expect, and it is worth the try. 
Do you have any other personal or intimate question about IVF you would like to share? We will discuss if you just post it in the comments column. If you want you can post anonymously too.

Hindsight thoughts on IVF

I got a few emails from friends saying they could not access my earlier posts on IVF, OHSS and triplet pregnancy. The comments column was not working either it seems, and I have corrected all that. So I thought of this post with links to all previous posts and a few random Hindsight thoughts on IVF. Here is the link to the story of my decision to have a baby. If you like the page, please leave a comment.

There is a reason why you are reading this page now. You are waiting to get pregnant, contemplating IVF, and most probably you are a Keralite- Malayali. You are confused whether you should do IVF, whether IVF is painful, where you should do it, whether it will be a success, whether IVF has any future side effects,and many more related doubts. I think I might have a few tips for you. There are hundreds of websites on information about IVF, ways to find out whether you are ready for IVF, the medical questions you should ask your doctor about IVF etc. However, there are some very personal and intimate questions you should ask yourself before IVF too, and some intimate fears about IVF, for which you should find solutions before embarking upon the journey like my five intimate questions about ivf. My IVF was a horror story, not because of any reason that you might think of. I used to have a terrible fear of needles (still have some)! I was dead scared of the so-called pain during embryo transfer. I was not sure of the side effects of the hormone treatment for IVF. I was not sure if it was the right decision- whether I should wait more to conceive naturally. And worst of all, I wasn't even sure if I was ready for a baby! And no, none of these was the reason why my IVF was a horror story! It was because of the severe spontaneous Ovarian Hyper stimulation Syndrome (OHSS) due to my triplet pregnancy. It is not common at all, so you really do not need to worry about it. Here is the story of my IVF and the horrors of my spontaneous Ovarian Hyper stimulation Syndrome.

Five hindsight thoughts on IVF

If your answer to the first question in my five intimate questions about ivf is a yes, then you can look at the next four questions. Once you come to terms with your doubts and fears, you can start your IVF cycle. However here are a few things I learned after doing my IVF and going through my triplets pregnancy.

1. When you have faith, you will bring the umbrella. May be you have heard this story of faith-The community began to worry deeply about the prolonged drought. The religious leaders of the town met and agreed to call for a combined day of prayer about rain. They asked their congregations to gather together in the one large meeting house the following day. As the anxious town people settled in their seats, the ministers took turns pleading the cause for rain on behalf of all present. they suddenly heard a deep rumble of thunder, an appearance of dark clouds in the distance , and then the sound of rain on the roof. They were all overjoyed. But they were just as surprised to see that as they walked out through the rain to their cars only one person out of the entire group had brought an umbrella—a young girl whose faith had been so sure she had taken appropriate action.

When you do IVF, believe that you will get pregnant. It is also possible that you might need a bed rest, at least for a few weeks- possible, not definite. So do all the necessary arrangements for taking leave from work, and try to line up the help you will need from family and friends.

2. You are not the expert- your doctor is. So leave the tough decisions to him. There is nothing you can do to make IVF and ICSI successful. But you can and should definitely talk to the doctor about yourself, and also discuss how many embryos are going to be transferred, how many will be frozen, what will happen to the frozen ones if they do not need to be used etc. 

3. Once you are done with the first cycle, go about your daily life as usual. Have faith, but do not count the chickens before they hatch. No need to plan your nursery or buy toys before you hear the great news. If the cycle does not work out, it will cause grief and disappointment if you have done too much planning.

4. If you have bloating belly, vomiting and nausea, you might be suffering from OHSS. If it is mild, it is OK. But if it is unbearable, seek immediate medical help.

5. Document your experience. Each IVF and each pregnancy is unique. Write down your experiences- physical, emotional, everything. Even if the results turn out negative. Someday it might help someone else. Even if it does not, you can always go back to it and after a few years, trust me, you will be very thankful that you documented it.

My posts on the story of my IVF and spontaneous Ovarian Hyper stimulation Syndrome show how the documenting part helped me!

Why don't you share your experience of infertility journey, IVF, pregnancy etc in the comments section?

IVF in Kerala

Why we did IVF

There is this very popular dialogue from a very popular Malayalam movie. The hero asks his friend- 'Why Vijaya, why didn't we think of this earlier?', and the friend says, 'Everything happens in its own due course, Dasa..' And the movie goes on to its hilarious sequences. Something similar happened in our married life also. People started asking us 'Why are you both not starting a family? It is high time! Go see a doctor!' 'Why aren't you finding clinics to do IVF in Kerala? It might cost a fortune, but it will be worth it!' 

We replied- 'Let God give, we shouldn't snatch from Him..' 

The real reason we did not go to a doctor was, I am dead scared of needles. And I have heard no treatments for infertility (especially IVF) is complete without poking needles all over. But I could not admit that, could I? If I do, then my own mind would start asking like, 'Is this pain fear greater than the desire for a baby?'. So we said- everything will happen in its due course, besides we should not snatch from God.. 

Okay, so why go and snatch now? 

'Hmm..er..God Himself says in Gita, that one should fulfill one's karma, right?'

Anyway, both of us had various reasons for making it late. For me, it was fear mainly. I had read and heard from many sources that the treatment procedure was painful. I had a terrible needle fear and had not taken any injections for twenty years. Now this treatment demands ten consecutive days of injection..Then there are a thousand stories of the side effects of the treatment..medicines which can cause long lasting health problems. Third reason was our office timings and both of us preferred going out and having fun in the evenings than going to a clinic. Also both of us had a general reluctance to take medicines. And then sheer procrastination. Most often the hormone raging ovulation days ended up in just a lot of tears. Thus precious months passed by us. Finally we visited a gynecologist, and tests there showed that our sperm count was close to zero (we did repeated tests, just to confirm), and we became painfully aware that it would be impossible to conceive naturally. The doctor prescribed some tablets, but even she was not very optimistic. Medicines did not help much except that my husband became even more short-tempered. I was very careful not to hurt his feelings or shake his confidence, which was very vulnerable at the moment. Things were not going very well, so together we decided to leave the treatment there, and moved on with life.

Months flew by. The anxiousness grew, especially because it was obvious that though my parents were not pressurizing us or even asking us about it, they wanted us to take a treatment. They wanted a grandchild. And I was an only daughter, so I was their only hope. Also all our younger cousins who were married became parents. So did our friends. It became impossible to hold a real conversation with a group of friends, because the conversation invariably drifted off to their kids and I was left without much to talk about. So we decided to start the treatment afresh, but this time we thought of doing some alternative medication.Our next visit was to a very good (and expensive) Homeopath. (Find the link to The Clinic). He does not really specialize in anything, but does an overall checkup (with not many equipments, just his senses) and finds out the general health condition of the patients and treats the root causes of the problems. He did a check-up, and prescribed-We should walk an hour a day, both of us together. Drink two glasses of fresh carrot juice(he even suggested a brand for the juicer!), Ramesh should avoid milk and all dairy products completely, and I should drink 3 litres of water everyday. He also prescribed one or two over-the-counter medicines, mostly vitamins and tablets for liver health. All these seemed easy to practice and hearty to do. But of course, the routines were broken many times- we did walk- with our dog- but the walk was done away with when we went for late night movies, or overnight site visits as part of our job. Carrot juice we did drink, and Ramesh completely avoided his favorite dairy items, except a little curd once in a month or so. After six months we did the sperm test again, and we couldn't really believe it- it showed a considerable rise in count and mobility!! Of course, this was not enough, but having a rise from zero 10 lakhs gave us a new ray of hope. (Actual minimal requirement being 30 million! We were not nearly close) We continued the same way for another six months, but too much precious time was being lost. By now it was 2007, I joined Engineering College as a Lecturer, started travelling 4 hours a day, to and fro, sometimes staying back at the work place in the hostel. Treatment lost steam. I crossed the dreaded 30 year old mark.Probably we were not mentally prepared to have a baby. Yes, that is a large factor. We weren't yet so sure that we wanted a baby for us. Were we wishing for the baby just to please our parents and relatives? Just to shut them up and prevent the regular questioning looks? Or was it to avail a rest period- a maternity leave of six months with pay (I always wished for that rest period- not having to rush to workplace everyday, yet get my paycheck)? Or was it to have an excuse every time we were asked to do something unpleasant?-like if I was required to go on a tour I did not wish to go, then if I had a baby I could always say the baby could not travel and I had to stay back to look after her. I was not sure if these were the reasons I wanted a baby, or if the need was genuine, if I was really prepared. When we are mentally prepared, when each atom in the body craves and cries out for a baby, pregnancy might happen, I thought. But, may be by then the body would be too old, and the situations might be against us. For couples who get pregnant naturally, easily, all these do not matter. They get pregnant first, and then prepare themselves. But not so easy for us. Finally, after many years I realized that I genuinely wanted a baby, or even babies. That vacuum in life solidified. Each atom in my body started longing for the baby. And then one day, in a crowded bus, I was sitting in the back seat when a man got in with a toddler. He was trying to get some space to stand and squeeze to the front part of the bus. So he asked me to look after the child and left him on my lap while he pushed ahead through the jam-packed bus. The kid sat on my lap till the stop where the dad got down, and while sitting, he tightly held my hand with his tiny palm. Then it struck me- to love a child I don't really need it to belong to me biologically.

                          

I thought about Mili, our dog. Then about my pet pigeons. If I could love these animals and birds with such passion and devotion, then why not a human child? Why should it matter if it biologically belongs to someone else? So the decision was made. We would try for our own baby, born from us, but if it does not happen, we would adopt a child with not a trace of apprehension. We would love the baby, as our own, why, the baby would be ours only. When I hold the baby close tight to my bosom, that warmth will be more than enough for me to give her all the love and affection in the world. And then there is another virtue-the satisfaction that comes with adopting an orphaned street puppy in contrast to one with a pedigree. To have a baby whom his or her parents abandoned, whom no one else would love completely- to have that baby and love him so completely. And to provide him with all the financial stability and comforts we have. Why would we need all these comforts and facilities and money for just the two of us? If we did not have kids to share it with us? Why this house? Why a job? And there was so much to give- we had to give it.So the decision was taken- to continue the treatment with more rigor and purpose, to forget the fears and pain, to do IVF two or three times. If it did not work out, then we would go ahead and adopt. And when the mind and the body prepared themselves fully, God knew the time was approaching. Through a friend He let us know about Lakshmi Hospital, and the good and kind, efficient doctors there. And we went to the hospital, to start the treatment from scratch.

I should mention here that later I found out that adoption was a much more complex, difficult process in India than doing any infertility treatment. But still I know for sure that if we were not successful with IVF, we would definitely have adopted. And it is something I really want to tell all couples undergoing treatment- do not worry if you do not have a baby biologically. Adopt a baby, and you will be happy. If you are not willing to do that, then maybe you are not yet mentally prepared to have a baby.

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