Thirty Fingernails to Polish!

It is past 9 pm. Long past bed time for most 4-year old kids, but my triplets are still not ready for bed. Dinner is over, and now they have to brush and take a quick body bath and go to bed. I pick up Ramu to brush his teeth and he is screaming, ‘No..No…NONONO!’ I know he is very sleepy, that is why the tantrum. He simply doesn’t want to go to bed. He is jerking and jumping in my arms, he has a bat and a ball in his hands and he wants to play cricket, now! He wants me to throw the ball. I say no way, and he is getting louder. ‘Throw the ball, throw the ball’, when I suddenly say- ‘There once lived a HUGE whale in an ocean (He is quiet all of a sudden, he loves stories), the whale had two little babies and both of them loved to play cricket (His eyes are wide now, imagining the scene, and I gently prop him on my lap and start brushing), but there was a problem- the ball wouldn’t bounce in the ocean water! Now the whale babies cried and mama whale thought, ‘let me ask the sea turtle’. She goes to the sea turtle and tells the problem (Brushing done, we have started the body bath). The turtle agreed to help and she went inside her house. When she came out she had a ball in her hands. She said ‘this ball will bounce’, and the baby whales started to play. Younger one threw the ball and in did bounce in the water(!) and went to the batsman, the elder baby whale, who hit the ball to the boundary! (We have done the bath, I am dressing him in his pajamas, he is still imagining) Now what was the ball? It was the baby turtle with its neck inside the shell! Since the ball hit the hard shell, it did not hurt, and at the end of the day baby turtle and baby whales became thick friends and played every day from then on’.

When the story is over he is in bed, and within five minutes he is sure to fall asleep. By now my little girl Malu has spotted my nail polish and wants me it put it for her. Only then she would come to brush. Okay, in two minutes I finish polishing all ten fingernails and she brushes fast (I do it in quickly and quietly- else the boys also will come running, demanding that I polish their nails too, right now. That's what happens usually). She wants a story too, and I tell her one from Panchatanthra while we finish the bath. Now I need to get my third sweetie pie to brush and he is screaming his heart out sitting under the staircase demanding to buy a batman suit at this very moment. (Both Ramu and Malu don’t seem to be aware of the tantrums- Ramu is about to sleep, and Malu is telling some story to herself, lying on the bed). No, nothing but the suit can pacify Balu. Still I give a try- depending on the knowledge that he loves his studies. I say loudly to my mother (so I can be heard above his screams) – “Mother, can you give five words that start with ‘T’”? Mother is quick to catch up and she starts words. The screams from below the staircase stopped all of a sudden. Good. After ‘T’, I ask mother to say words with E’, and lo! Balu comes out saying ‘Elephant’ and laughing. I quickly grab him and finish the brushing and bathing, while still continuing the word play. By the time Balu is in bed, I am totally exhausted.

Being a professor of Architecture, I had spent that whole day attending to students’ design reviews in college, commenting and correcting their designs. After reaching home, I had spent all the time playing with the kids and feeding them. Now after my own bath, I can barely move and I sit the bed and close my eyes.  Today is a day when I used the ‘Sama’ and ‘Dana’ techniques of diplomacy. I am not a supermom. Far from it. I survive because both my parents, despite their age, take active part in raising my triplets, and love doing it. I stay sane because my husband spends most of his after- office hours with the kids, thus relieving me. And yet I have my days of stress when I yell at my kids, they scream and cry and I have to threaten them with a stick (my ‘Bheda’ technique). Thankfully I restrain myself from using the stick (no ‘Danda’), but after the yells and screams, all of us are tired, and my kids go to sleep teary-eyed, and by the time I get to bed, I am full of regrets. After all they are kids. If it was one child, would I lose patience so easily? I ask myself. Wouldn’t I try to pacify him/ her with all the love and sweet-talk in the world? Because it is three at a time, I get tired, stressed and end up yelling and shouting.

A small and sweet kiss warms my cheek and I open my eyes. ‘Amma is very tired,’ Malu is whispering to the boys after kissing me. They also move towards me, kiss me and hug me and instantly fall asleep- Ramu in my lap, Malu and Balu in each of my arms.  There is a tiny smile on three angelic faces, and I thank and thank God for all the blessings that He is showering upon us.

A sad note

My mother in law passed away recently. Now there is a deep void in our life, a loss we are yet unable to accept, an overwhelming sadness. However this post is on my triplets response to the sadness and loss. How does the death of a loved one affect a four year old child? Does he really understand what death is, that it is permanent? I think they do, their grief is real, and their love, unconditional.

My triplets (one month shy of 4-year old) were very fond of  her. They met her for the first time when they were two months or so old. As toddlers they were not very friendly with relatives whom they see only once in a while. However, to her they had a surprising affection, which was quite mutual. From the beginning they behaved as if they had always known her- they chattered in the very friendly and familiar way. She was unwell and bedridden for the last year or so, and we used to visit her occasionally, about once in two months. Whenever they saw her they gave her water in a glass to drink, placing the glass near her lips, sat with her and sang nursery rhymes, told her stories of their nursery friends. On most of the days at home they used to refer to her, about something that she said, or something they imagined about her. They called her Dodda, meaning grandmother in Tulu. Probably their love for her came from the fact that their father adored her, or probably from the unexplained bonding of blood. In the last few months she could not even sit up without help, and my kids visited her for the last time, about a month back. We were planning another visit in the weekend, when the tragedy happened. At first we didn't know whether and how to tell the kids about it.

Balu with Dodda

Raman with Dodda

Now, I knew that they had an idea what death was. Their first encounter with it came when a kitten in our house- a tiny one, one week old- died due to birth problems. They saw how she was not moving, how dad buried her. Afterwards when they saw 'Lion King', they were very sad when Mufasa died, and they became hopeful later when Mufasa came in the clouds to lead Simba towards the right way. Still later they saw 'Spider-Man 3' in which Harry Osborn died and was buried. The ever-curious trio asked me for explanations, how the kitten was buried without a coffin whereas Harry had it, how come Harry or the kitten did not appear in the clouds etc. I told them the difference between burying an animal and a human, and that everyone who did good would have a place among the stars, but their loved ones could see them when they really, really needed them for guidance. My mother told them about rebirth- when one person dies, the soul could be reborn, and the cycle could continue. This satisfied them. Surprisingly, the concept of the mortal body, the immortal soul and rebirth did not confuse them at all! They also learned about heaven and hell, God and Devil, from (can you believe it?) 'Tom&Jerry'- in one of the stories called 'Heavenly Pass', they show Tom seeing both Heaven, Hell and the Devil. This particular cartoon educated them quite a lot, when we had a chance to discuss how the virtues on earth leads one to heaven, how wrong-doing, which essentially means harming someone or deliberately causing sorrow to someone, leads one to hell etc. Then again, they were familiar with stories of Ramayana where Jadayu, Sampathi, Baali, Kumbhakarna and Ravana die.

Thus, arming myself to face untimely and loud questioning, I took the trio to pay respect to their Dodda, to give a drop of theertham (holy water) to her still lips. They stared at the body and asked why she was lying on the floor and not on the cot, why there were lit lamps near her. When I softly and gently told them that she was no more, it took a while for them to digest it. There was surprise, a little fear, then the effort to comprehend it. They did not cry. They looked at her face for a long, long time, and watched all the procedures for the funeral. Gradually the cloud lifted, and they were back to their innocent selves. They started talking to each other assuring each other that Dodda's soul must be in Heaven, with God now, or possibly with the stars. She might take a rebirth too. No one but me completely understood what they were saying in their kiddish chit-chat. All this made me feel guilty for taking them there because the mourning sons, daughters and in-laws, including their own parents were finding it difficult to hold back tears and the loud chatter was so out of place. But then I had to do that, too. I had to make sure that they knew what happened to their beloved Dodda, else they might wonder about it when they visit her house next time and not see her. It was important they understood that everyone and everything had to go one day.  I took them there thinking all this, and in turn they taught me few lessons- that a child is never too young to understand death, however their perception of death is not as a permanent loss, but as one occurrence in a continuum. It is not losing hope, but being hopeful about the continuing life cycle. These thoughts come after processing bits of information they gather from adults, but as an adult I might never come to terms with death as they do- with innocence, certainty and hope.

Pros and Cons of having triplets

"Are you kidding?! What can be better for a woman than have her entire family at one go? Having triplets means you are done with all the difficult parts of parenthood at once" . These are some of the responses I get when I tell someone about my triplets, and it all sound great. But if you are the mother of a one year old triplets, especially in India, you know better.
Availability of support infrastructure (Con)
Availability of family support (Pro)
Losing income, increasing expense
Sibling rivalry
healthy competition
one child favorite, one less healthy etc
not enough time to spend individually
you cannot take them out alone, you cannot take them on a scooter
they help develop each other
they are fearless, daring
they want separate food
they fall sick together and when they fall sick, you want to carry each one for endless hours, but you cant.
all want to use potty at once
danger of hitting each other

After many months today afternoon when it is nap time, my son , instead of going to the bed straight, asks me, 'Amma, please walk for sometime carrying me and put me to sleep'
I pick him up, hold him close to my bosom and walk while humming his favorite lullaby very softly in his ear. How well I remember doing this every night till almost 2am or even later, when one of the babies cried or refused to sleep. How desperate I felt when, each time I passed the mirror while walking the length of the room and I could see their wide open eyes behind my shoulder. Then after long hours the eyes would gradually grow tired and close slowly, to a long, peaceful sleep, and I would place them very softly on the bed, kiss the lovely face, before almost falling down on the bed beside them, exhausted. And now, when I see his open eyes each time I pass the same mirror, I feel happy that they are open, I wish they remain so for some more time so I need not lie him on the bed, so I can carry him and hum t him for another minute. I get the feeling that he is also aware of this- of time flying, of the baby days that are about to get over, of this moment that may never come again. This may well be the last time we are doing this. I tell myself no, there are a few more months left for us, and then he says gently, 'Amma, bed..' and I take him to the bed and he is asleep almost instantly. The other two are already sleeping, and I kiss each of their faces and a mix of emotions overwhelm me. And suddenly I realize how funny I would look to them if they woke up now, how they would laugh, and I smile to myself before leaving the room.

Kidspeak

Some of the most beautiful and thought-provoking conversations I have had is with my about-to-be-four-year-old kids. It is so disarming the way they love unconditionally, and the way their mind works with the very limited exposure they have. As Penelope Leach says, they use about 25,000 words a day, when they have a total vocabulary of about 500 words! So while it is tiresome to listen to the repeated words, and exhausting to reply to hundreds of questions and demands (most of the time all three kids talk at once and I can't even make out what each one is saying), it is still enjoyable if I listen close. They go like this...

Daughter's first attempt at poetry..when Raman's(his real name is Suryanarayanan) turn at the swing was over I called Kutty for her turn. She says..'Raman poyi, Kutty vannu; Suryan poyi, nilaavu vannu' (Raman left, Kutty arrived- The Sun left, Moonshine arrived!)

Obviously my kids need a little more imagination..yesterday a spider bit me. I showed them the small swelling and with big drama told them 'amma will become spiderman tonight and go to save the world'..Then I turned in a flying action.. For a moment they looked wide eyed, i was satisfied and then Kutty turned and said matter-of-factly, 'amma won't become spiderman, if spider bit, amma will have to go to hospital..'

Balu's latest favourite hero is Zorro. So in a surge of affection he hugged me saying 'Amma oru bhayankara Zero aan!!' 

frown emoticon
gasp emoticon

Kutty: When is daddy going to come tonight?

Me: He will be quite late. After you sleep.

Kutty: Oh I ll see him before you do tonight.

Me: And how is that?

Kutty: He will come in my dreams.

Me: Are you listening to too many film songs?:(

I don't know where he got the name from..but today when I asked the name of the king who married Shakuntala, Raman says indifferently-"Sasi!" 

We have kept our data CDs separate from cartoon CDs, in paper cases of different colours. As they are on the top shelf kids cannot reach them, they can just see the coloured cases and they often ask for a green CD or a red one which they are not given. So yesterday we had quite a few guests including relatives, and Kutty was proudly talking about her cartoon CD collection to them. Then she animatedly said..'...apart from all these amma has a lot of blue CDs..' 

God, the number of dirty looks I got! 

As soon as we stepped inside the packed elevator in the mall, Kutty said,'Amma acha,i have a doubt'..Amma and acha instantly turned away as if we have no idea who the little girl is, because, well, the doubt could be anything.. Needless to say, the whole elevator got curious. Unfazed, Kutty fired-'Amma ente randanamma aano?'(Are you our stepmother?) Oops. Ok, so I scold her and threaten to beat sometimes, but am I like the legendary stepmother who mistreats kids? Everyone in the lift looked around to see who this monster was who mistreats the little angel, and their collective dirty look was on me as they guessed I was the amma. Then Balu explained-'Kutty second kutty aya kond amma randaan amma, balu third kutty, appo amma moonnaan amma'..(Since Kutty is the second child, you are her second mother-stepmother, Since Balu is third baby, you are my third mother!)

Phew!'

Adi thettiyaal aana yum veezhum' enna proverb n kutty ude addition- 'Adi kittiyaal aana yum nannaavum!' 

Children can really shut you up with their logic. Today Balu was saying a centipede when grows becomes a snake. I tried correcting him saying that only a small snake can grow into a big snake, a little centipede becomes only an adult centipede. Thats when he asks with his limited vocabulary,"Then why does a worm grows to become a butterfly?" 

On differentiating between binoculars,telescope,microscope,magnifying glass etc., I tell the kids-'Binoculars can make far away things seem closeby, we can see things clearly from a distance'. Then Balu asks me-'Oh,if buy binoculars will I see Ernakulam from here?'

Sightseeing in Kerala with chldren

Some of the beautiful locations in Kerala where we can visit and spend a day. I will keep updating this as and when I can.

Asuran Kund dam is a scenic place in Attur/Akamala/Thonnurkara, about 30km from Thrissur town. Pristine location, deep forest closeby and a good destination both for a family picnic and/or an adventure trip. The guards have done a commendable job of keeping it plastic and litter-free.

       

                                       

                                                    

Ilaveezha poonchira is a wonderful place with great breeze. Good for light trekking- not very exhausting.

(Ref: Wikipedia) "Ila-veezhaa-poonchira" means 'the pond of flowers where the leaves do not fall'. During the monsoons, the valley between a complex of mountains fills up to form a large pond. According to a legend, the Pandava had a sojourn here during their life incognito. Their wife, Draupadi, came to take a bath at a lake, which was present at that time. Some devas, bewitched by her beauty, tried to satisfy their voyeuristic itch. King of devas, Lord Indra, came to know about what was going on, and built screens or hills heaping flowers and prevented them from indulging in such a practice. And the pond thus became a dam isolated by floral hills. Since there were no trees around the bund, it was always free of leaves and so it was called Ila-veezha-poonchira. Some say that the name comes from the fact that it is always windy at the place and hence the leaves are carried away. Poonjira's myth is closely related to Agastya and his hermitage,he lived here and the native people believes that he still lives here,his hermitage is hidden in somewhere here. Another important attraction is the ancient krishna temple, that was founded by panjaly herself.the mass belief is that panjaly's akshayapatra is hidden here and it is protected by agastya.The myth is also associate with ramayana his vanavasa popularly believes that he lived here with lakshmana for few months. Ilavvezha Poonchira is located 55 km from Kottayam, and is 20 km from Thodupuzha. Melukavu is the highest part of the kottayam district.

Poomala Dam is an irrigation purpose dam and a tourist spot situated in Mulankunnathukavu Panchayath under Puzhakkal block inThrissur, Kerala. Pomala is a tourist attraction and Cheppara is a nice, light, trekking area.

Thrissur has no scarcity of dams. Chimmini Dam and Vazhani are beautiful locations. Vazhani is a good place to spend a half-day. Chimmini can be best explored in bamboo rafts arranged by the Tourism Department- https://www.keralatourism.org/destination/chimmini-thrissur/57

Shopping with kids in Kerala

How blissful it was when you could shop freely, look at each product label with care, read it all and decide what to buy, without looking every other second where the little bundle of energy who came with you ran off to! Yes, shopping with kids can be crazy, shopping with triplets- downright scary! If it is a retail shop, it is okay, but if it is a mall, the kids run around the whole place, knocking over things, take stuff ranging from chocolates to sanitary napkins off the rack or off the shopping carts of other shoppers who might not find it amusing. And then the tantrum if they find something extremely attractive and you refuse to buy it. Finally somehow you just get out of the shop, half the things in the shopping list still remaining to be bought, half of what is bought not according to the brands you wanted, and you realize that half the things in the packets are totally not of the list, which you bought anyway because your kids were making all sorts of tantrums. 

This is especially tough in Kerala because there are not many malls which offer play areas for children, or even a comfortable sitting space where either dad or mom can sit with the kids and manage them while the other can shop peacefully.

However, there are a few shopping malls in Kerala where there are kids play areas.

Abad Nucleus Mall in Maradu, Kochi has B-ActiveKidz- a nice little play area for children, where parents can leave children for half an hour or one hour. It is a large room with lot of play equipments to occupy the kids, and there is a small area filled with balls which my kids love. There are a few staff to look after the kids. The area and the toys are safe for play. Parents leave kids of age ranging from 1-2 years to ten years. There is a fee of Rs.250/- per child per hour. You need to make sure that the child does not wet the place and diapers are compulsory for children below age three. Also the child should wear socks, which we can bring with us, or buy from there itself. Parents can leave kids there and do their shopping in an hour or so and come back and get them. The staff would take your phone number and intimate you if your child needs you. Nucleus Mall is located on NH 49, on the way from Kundanoor to Thripunithura.

Ball Area at Nucleus Mall

It is all fun!

Jump Jump Jump!

Lulu Mall in Kochi has a large children's play area with lot of toys and equipments to engage kids for half a day. However parental supervision is required here and also there is a fee to use each of the equipment. Lulu also has come up with a town for children to play during summer vacation called ‘The Little Town’, sprawling over 15,000 square feet and featuring all the amenities of an actual town.There are roads, cars, driving schools, petrol pumps, newspaper office, playing areas, shops and a lot of other amenities inside Little Town, where kids get to be like adults doing what the grown ups do. It is open from 10 am to 9 pm and the entries are done using Sparkies card (a prepaid card available the play area). At a time, a kid is allowed for only three hours inside Little Town. Inside, parents can watch the activities of their kids from the designated adults area only.

Centresquare Mall in Kochi has a great variety of toys- all animation figurines like Spiderman, Chota Beem, Ben10 and so on and related products too. 

Elite supermarket in Thrissur (Karunakaran Nambiar Road) is the only supermarket in Thrissur which has a play area as of today, and this too is a small space with no particular protection. Even then it is okay to leave slightly older children there to play video games, or in case of smaller children one of the parents can sit there watching the child play on the small slide or seesaw, while the other parent can shop.
These are places that I have taken my children to. I have heard that Gold Souk in Kochi has a grand play area, and of course there will be so many other places where you can comfortably shop with kids. Please share your shopping experiences in Kerala with children in the comments area at the end of this post.

This is what I learnt after three years of shopping with triplets in Kerala-

1. Online shopping is best if you are buying clothes, books etc. You will have enough time to browse and choose after the kids sleep. Amazon and Flipkart offer great variety and great service.

2. If you have to buy from a shop, if both parents are going by car with the kids, try and find a shop where there is good parking facility. One of you can sit with the kids in the car while the other shops.

3. Similarly if there is a nice play area, one of the parents can sit there while the kids play and the other parents does shopping.

4. Once the child is old enough, say three and a half years old, the child also can actively participate in the shopping process. Teach him/her how to find a product, how to choose only what is required, how to stand in a queue and pay the bills, get the change, show the receipt to the security before leaving with the shopping bag etc. This is an immensely exciting activity- for you and for the child.

YES!! Hurray! Finally your child is four years old! He can handle himself, shop with you in a decent way or entertain himself with video games in the games area. You are now finally free again to read all those price tags, nutritional information, handling instructions and all sorts of labels on products. Feeling a tinge of sadness? Missing the energized ball who ran around you knocking over everything in sight before finally clinging on to you? Well, relax. He will be with you in a minute- the moment he gets bored of that gamezone.

Penelope Leach- on love and success in life

Whenever I feel angry or depressed about my own parental abilities, I take one of Penelope Leach's books and read. It is sure to lift my mood, and inspire me to be better mother. But nothing has inspired me so much as this one page, when it comes to being anxious about my children's performance academically. Sharing the page as it is.

Nobody loves a loser, but nothing creates a loser faster than the fearing loss of love..

Penelope Leach on Love and success in Life

Five intimate questions about IVF

There are hundreds of websites on information about IVF, ways to find out whether you are ready for IVF, the medical questions you should ask your doctor about IVF etc. However, here we shall see five intimate questions about IVF which you should ask yourself and personal fears which you should resolve within yourself, before embarking upon the journey.

1. Are you sure you want a baby? What if it is twins or triplets?  As ridiculous as this may sound to a couple waiting to get pregnant and trying for many years, this is the first question you should ask yourself. Parenting a baby is a blessing, it is fun, and it is a huge responsibility. If you are doing IVF there is a very good chance that you might conceive multiples- twins, triplets or more, babies, especially if the cause of your infertility is primarily low sperm count or motility. So, ask yourself-  
   • Are you financially well placed to handle both expected and unexpected expenses of IVF? 
   • If you conceive multiples do you have enough support from friends and family? Because parenting multiples is a huge task, at least for the first first three years.
   • When you take help from friends and family, it is a commitment. The bridge goes both ways. Also understand that they are helping you because they love you, and your yet to be born baby. Be grateful not for their help, but for their love.
   • Are you ready to take a lot of time-off from work, may be give up on some advancements in your career for a few years? Possibly either you or your spouse will need to stay home. Decide who will take temporary leave from job and stay at home to look after the babies. Are you both comfortable with that decision? Because in future there is a good chance that you might feel you are sacrificing your life/career while your spouse is not. No matter how much I say this, you may not give this aspect enough importance now, but you should.
   • There is statistical proof that many marriages bite the dust after a multiple pregnancy and delivery. The possible reasons and solutions we shall discuss in a future post. The question that you ask yourself now is, is your marriage strong enough to withstand the possible stresses that may result from IVF? 
   I am not trying here to scare you. On the other hand I am trying o encourage you. Some marriages bond in much stronger ways after a multiple pregnancy and delivery. So do the bonds with family and friends. And after 3-4 years you can get back to your work, uplift your career. Parenting is fun, it also helps your creativity, and thus the prospects of your success in life! So, go for it! This post on my decision to have a baby might interest you.
2. What if IVF fails? Which brings us to our second question- what if IVF fails? Are you ready to handle the grief, the disappointment? Also the lost money? There are many institutions and groups which offer emotional support. But the first support should come from within you, and from your spouse. Prayer and meditation can help a lot. Remember three things- (1). Whatever happens, happens for a reason, happens for good. Count your blessings. (2). Being childless is not the end of life, you have your life, your hobbies, career, travel, books, love and romance. Even having a pet can help quite a lot. Do not be disheartened. (3).  Adoption is an option you have. If you are really ready and willing to be a parent, biology is no barrier- you can always love a baby- any baby- with all your heart, the fulfillment is not an iota less. 
3. Do you have a pet? A pet dog, cat, bird or fish can relieve your stress quite a lot. I would highly recommend having and loving one, before starting the IVF journey.
4. Are you scared of needles? Scared that IVF will hurt? Well, I was. I was dead-scared. And this is what I learned from my experience- (1) Share your fear. Tell anyone who would listen about your fear. They might make fun of you, but there is a good chance that many of them might be having the same fear. If you tell the doctor or the nurse about the fear, they will be gentle in handling the situation, distracting you from the pain. So, don't be shy to share the fear. (I have been made fun of and laughed at, for fearing the needle at this age, being a professional, a teacher and all- and now, a mother of three! Well, I am scared, and that is that). You can distract yourself by thinking about the happiest and most exciting experiences of your life, about your romantic adventures etc. Apart from the regular shots, there are a few tests that might hurt during IVF. For embryo transfer, most possibly you will be put under anesthesia. For me, I was put under general anesthesia, so I did not even know about what happened. On the whole, in my experience, I expected a LOT of pain, but thankfully it was very minimal. So take heart. (The story in detail is given in my older posts. See http://tripletshouse.blogspot.in/2011/06/ivf.html). This webpage has some great tips- http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-a-Fear-of-Needles
   
5. What about future side-effects? I am not a medical expert, but from my personal experience, I have had no side effects at all from IVF. My triplet pregnancy and OHSS caused problems, but nothing was carried over to future. However, understand that this is your body and your life, so discuss all your medical conditions and possible side effects with your doctor first.

On the whole, my personal recommendation is that, if your answer to the first question is a yes, then, go for it! IVF is not half as scary as you might expect, and it is worth the try. 
Do you have any other personal or intimate question about IVF you would like to share? We will discuss if you just post it in the comments column. If you want you can post anonymously too.

Hindsight thoughts on IVF

I got a few emails from friends saying they could not access my earlier posts on IVF, OHSS and triplet pregnancy. The comments column was not working either it seems, and I have corrected all that. So I thought of this post with links to all previous posts and a few random Hindsight thoughts on IVF. Here is the link to the story of my decision to have a baby. If you like the page, please leave a comment.

There is a reason why you are reading this page now. You are waiting to get pregnant, contemplating IVF, and most probably you are a Keralite- Malayali. You are confused whether you should do IVF, whether IVF is painful, where you should do it, whether it will be a success, whether IVF has any future side effects,and many more related doubts. I think I might have a few tips for you. There are hundreds of websites on information about IVF, ways to find out whether you are ready for IVF, the medical questions you should ask your doctor about IVF etc. However, there are some very personal and intimate questions you should ask yourself before IVF too, and some intimate fears about IVF, for which you should find solutions before embarking upon the journey like my five intimate questions about ivf. My IVF was a horror story, not because of any reason that you might think of. I used to have a terrible fear of needles (still have some)! I was dead scared of the so-called pain during embryo transfer. I was not sure of the side effects of the hormone treatment for IVF. I was not sure if it was the right decision- whether I should wait more to conceive naturally. And worst of all, I wasn't even sure if I was ready for a baby! And no, none of these was the reason why my IVF was a horror story! It was because of the severe spontaneous Ovarian Hyper stimulation Syndrome (OHSS) due to my triplet pregnancy. It is not common at all, so you really do not need to worry about it. Here is the story of my IVF and the horrors of my spontaneous Ovarian Hyper stimulation Syndrome.

Five hindsight thoughts on IVF

If your answer to the first question in my five intimate questions about ivf is a yes, then you can look at the next four questions. Once you come to terms with your doubts and fears, you can start your IVF cycle. However here are a few things I learned after doing my IVF and going through my triplets pregnancy.

1. When you have faith, you will bring the umbrella. May be you have heard this story of faith-The community began to worry deeply about the prolonged drought. The religious leaders of the town met and agreed to call for a combined day of prayer about rain. They asked their congregations to gather together in the one large meeting house the following day. As the anxious town people settled in their seats, the ministers took turns pleading the cause for rain on behalf of all present. they suddenly heard a deep rumble of thunder, an appearance of dark clouds in the distance , and then the sound of rain on the roof. They were all overjoyed. But they were just as surprised to see that as they walked out through the rain to their cars only one person out of the entire group had brought an umbrella—a young girl whose faith had been so sure she had taken appropriate action.

When you do IVF, believe that you will get pregnant. It is also possible that you might need a bed rest, at least for a few weeks- possible, not definite. So do all the necessary arrangements for taking leave from work, and try to line up the help you will need from family and friends.

2. You are not the expert- your doctor is. So leave the tough decisions to him. There is nothing you can do to make IVF and ICSI successful. But you can and should definitely talk to the doctor about yourself, and also discuss how many embryos are going to be transferred, how many will be frozen, what will happen to the frozen ones if they do not need to be used etc. 

3. Once you are done with the first cycle, go about your daily life as usual. Have faith, but do not count the chickens before they hatch. No need to plan your nursery or buy toys before you hear the great news. If the cycle does not work out, it will cause grief and disappointment if you have done too much planning.

4. If you have bloating belly, vomiting and nausea, you might be suffering from OHSS. If it is mild, it is OK. But if it is unbearable, seek immediate medical help.

5. Document your experience. Each IVF and each pregnancy is unique. Write down your experiences- physical, emotional, everything. Even if the results turn out negative. Someday it might help someone else. Even if it does not, you can always go back to it and after a few years, trust me, you will be very thankful that you documented it.

My posts on the story of my IVF and spontaneous Ovarian Hyper stimulation Syndrome show how the documenting part helped me!

Why don't you share your experience of infertility journey, IVF, pregnancy etc in the comments section?

How to make watching TV beneficial to young children

Like any other three or four year old, my triplets, especially my boys adore their superheroes. They watch animation and movie DVDs. Spider-man is their favorite, followed by Chota Bheem, and a few Malayalam superheroes like Dingan, Mayavi etc. Krishna is part God and part superhero. My instinct tells me that Kutty does not have too much interest in superheroes, but growing up with the boys is influencing her and she too actively watches the animations. They also love Lion King, Jungle Book, Life of Pi, Tom&Jerry etc. So do I worry about letting them watch these? Absolutely not. And that is because they do not watch it all the time. What they watch, we make sure, is benefiting them. How? Let me explain in this post on how to make watching TV beneficial to young children.

Animation, superheroes, stories and my triplets

1. I have not introduced TV programs to them. Sure, there are many channels which offer a lot of information to them, History, Animal Planet, National Geographic, Discovery etc., and many channels like KochuTV(Regional channel) and Cartoon Network that show programs ideal for young children. However DVD has an advantage. I get to choose what they see, and when they see it. Since the DVDs are there with us forever, they are assured that they can watch them anytime, and not when it is broadcast. They usually watch only during meal times. At the most they watch the screen for one and a half hours a day. At the most.
2. The repeated shows of the same DVD ensures that they enjoy the scenes they like, but eventually they get bored after a while, and thus move on to other activities. I don't think it is a good idea to let them know that there are endless, variety shows which they can keep watching without getting bored and switching channels. No, not yet. On day they will get to know, but I will handle the situation then.
3. I read to them, I tell them stories. They love the stories, and they love listening to my voice (when I am not yelling at them). Naturally, I am their mother- kids love their mom's voice. So, any day, they prefer my stories to whatever goes on on the screen. I ensure that my stories have superheroes wherever possible, many animals, their roaring or growling sounds, demons and Gods who fight and beat the demons, magic, food, colors, different countries and complicated names. It is infinitely interesting to watch their eyes light up, grow big, become dreamy as they imagine the scenes, and make up their own stories in their minds. The moment I finish telling the story of 'Black Beauty', one of them starts repeating it aloud while walking here and there, only difference is that Black Beauty becomes a calf, and te story alters to suit the calf- it does not run like the horse, but it will play and have its own adventures. So the moment I want them to stop watching a DVD, I offer to tell or read a story, and there, they are cuddling with me!
4. We speak Malayalam at home all the time. English movies and animations introduce them to the language, and make them get over any inhibitions they might have in the future while using the language. Also they see some Hindi DVDs, and they are familiar with the concept of many languages. Animations like Chota Bheem, Krishna and Balram etc. are very good for them to understand English. Also I am sure once they start using pencil and colors effectively, they will stat painting scenes from the stories they see.
5. They know that watching too much TV makes them couch potatoes and damages their eyes. The moment they stop watching the movie, they start playing- and such fun to watch the role-play. That, I must say, is one good part of having a threesome.
6. They know that Peter Parker got his superhero powers when super-spider bit him. But not only that. I tell them that he got the power because he is good in his heart, he behaves nicely, he helps his family and others, does not fight with others unnecessarily, uses his power to help others."With great power comes great responsibility". I show them how Peter empties his waste basket every night. How his uncle met with the tragic accident when Peter forgot his duties for a while. How a bad person given with power uses it to bad causes, and in turn ends up dead. Of course bad people when dead go straight to hell where Satan puts them in boiling water (they have seen this in Tom&Jerry and Krishna-Balram). So a person with a good heart and responsible behavior only gets super powers. Whenever one of them does something good, like keeping back toys in shelf after playing, or emptying their waste basket, I add a super-power point. When they make a tantrum, they lose a point. I tell them God adds up the points at the end of every week and bit by bit gives super powers, depending upon the number of points earned. Finally when there are thousands of points, you get to become powerful like Spider-man. But by then you are so good in helping others, that you will now to use the power responsibly. They believe that. But more importantly, I believe that, too. I believe in that so strongly that I come across very convincing. It does not change things overnight. They still have their fights, their tantrums, but there is a difference. The frequency is much less. Also they compete to help others and each other with little things, which I find very encouraging.

So, all in all, if you ask me, I would say let them watch TV. But limit the timing, do not leave the TV on all the while, tell them stories, show them how interesting and addictive books can be (just read out to them- they will understand). Play with them or watch them play. Listen to them while they play. Teach them to extract morals and values from what they see on the screen. Teach them to absorb the language. Surely TV time will be more enjoyable and instructive.

Here are some movies which my kids enjoy watching (me too!). 

Jesus, Ganesh and Triplets

Christmas season brought a few new characters to my kids' lives to tell stories about, while role-playing. So these days they are making up stories (in Malayalam) that go something like this- "Ganapathi (Lord Ganesh) wanted fruit and his mother Parvathy brought him that which a demon tried to take from him and suddenly Yesu (Jesus) came to the rescue and he jumped at the demon and Yesu and Ganapathy together attacked and killed the demon and Joseph and Mary came running to see if Yesu was hurt and Parvathy and Shiva told them no, there is no problem and then Muruka also came on a peacock so the whole Shiva family and Joseph family had a party and had a lot of fun together..."

Christmas Laughter!

Santa's Gifts

Santa took the lists from under The Kids’ pillows on 21st itself, so he will have enough time to make them all. He looked at the wishlists- there were at least 20 items in each one- and carefully chose one item from each list and gave it to the elves. “A toy laptop for the eldest, an iPhone for the middle one, and a robot that does all the homework, for the youngest!?” The elf looked at Santa with resignation and walked inside shaking his head and muttering under his breath “It used to be so much easier when kids only wanted wooden toys or cute dresses..damn this new technology…” Santa coughed, so the elf didn’t use the d-word again. The other elves were also working frantically on gifts, for all children. Finally by 24th night everything was ready. Elves relaxed and cheered while Santa loaded his cart with all the packed gifts with names on them and left for the houses, delivering. He reached The Kids’ house slightly after midnight. He sneaked into the bedroom and was surprised to hear muted conversation between the Kids. “Oh, they are waiting for me”, Santa thought, and gently placed the gifts under the bed and started to tip-toe out.

Then he heard them talk to each other. The eldest was saying-“I really hope Santa saw my latest wish and will bring me that fighter plane that really flies!”, “How can he?” the middle one said, “you just made the wish yesterday evening! But I think he will bring me that big spiderman that really crawls and jumps across buildings ..it is easier to make” Then the youngest chipped in-“ But you both changed your wish at least 17 times after the list was taken by Santa! I changed only five times- so I really think he’ll bring me my Barbie that drives the toy-car, with GPS”.. The eldest considered this a while and said, “Tell you what, all three of us will pray with all our soul to God, so Santa will listen. Dad told me Santa always listens”. All three agreed and they started praying. The kids’ innocent prayer with full faith. Santa felt helpless. He looked at his gift packets under the bed, sighed, and with a heavy heart walked out of the room to his waiting cart, invisible to grown-ups.

On the way out of the house he noticed a man ringing the door bell and waiting. The Kids’ father opened the door. “Delivery from YouBuyitallOnline, sir” The man was saying. “Oh, you guys are fast. And working this late?” Father said. “Christmas deliveries, Sir” The man smiled. “Okay, you got the plane, the spiderman and the GPS-Barbie?” Father asked. “Yes, sir. All ready” The man said as he took out the delivery form for father to put signature.

Santa glanced at the Heavens, and smiled to himself. He felt much lighter and filled with Christmas cheer as he moved ahead in his cart, watching the festivities and delivering blessings.

Christmas Fun!

Anganwadi in Kerala

A large, sunny room with tiny chairs, play equipment, educational toys, educational charts, books and mattresses for afternoon nap kept neatly folded in cupboards. An attached kitchen where nutritious food is being prepared, to be served hot in clean plates. A clean toilet on the other side. A large and shady outdoor play area. About a dozen excited kids singing rhymes or playing or riting on their slates while the teacher keeps an eye on all of them. They are taken good care of from 9.30am to 3.30pm, served nutritious and freshly cooked breakfast, lunch and evening snack, all of this given absolutely free! This is an anganwadi in Thrissur, Kerala.

However this is not the case with most anganwadis in the the state. Most of them function in a small building, with no open areas to play outdoors. They have their own new building with areas as per Government norms. There are regular inspections, so hygiene is ensured. Some, like the one mentioned above, are lucky to be attached to a primary school, where there is ample outdoor play area under the trees. However many of the anganwadis, especially the ones in city areas, have no buildings of their own, and have to function in rented rooms. The amount given by the Government is Rs.1000/-, and insufficient to rent a decent facility. As per the new early childhood education and care policy of the State government, an anganwadi will not be permitted to function in a building which has space less than 500 sq.ft. The local bodies are provided funds to purchase land and construct own buildings for the anganwadis. However, the funds are insufficient-just Rs.50,000 per cent. The functioning of an anganwadi is in the hands of one trained anganwadi worker and one ayah(maid). But they are paid very low wages and are given a lot of other responsibilities like helping with election duties, conducting door-to-door survey etc. All of this affect the quality of pre-school education given in an anganwadi. 
This post describes how the anganwadi where my children go functions. http://tripletshouse.blogspot.in/2015/06/our-anganwadi-in-thrissur.html

Rabbit and Tortoise

Rabbit was very fast. He wasn't smart, but fast. He kept winning races, and everybody expected him to win always, and go places. The pressure was enormous. Then he met the tortoise, and the clash of egos ended up in a race. Rabbit ran fast, as usual, knew he had to win, but the pressure and stress finally got to him. He fainted, then slept. When he woke up the world had changed. Those who admired him a few hours back now ridiculed him, they laughed at him. They even made proverbs about how slow and steady wins. Rabbit was crestfallen at first, then it hit him. He had his chance of escape. He knew if he challenged tortoise once more, he could easily win, and everything would be the same as before. But then he would be stressed again. He didn't want that. He wanted time for doing things he loved, not just winning races. He wanted to explore that Carrot country they said existed, he wanted to meet that long lost cousin of his who fled his forest, he wanted to learn to sing like the magpies, he wanted to write poetry, read books, listen to music, daydream, paint...

So he got up, walked like a beaten spirit, a failed champion, a miserable idiot. The world laughed, it was fine with him. He slowly made his way out of the racing track, moved out of sight, then he laughed out loud, and sprinted..sprinted with joy, for the first time, without the pressure of winning, just for the sheer pleasure of running like mad...

Preschool- Anganwadi

I took triplets to anganwadi today. It looked like a preschool of sorts, with around 10 kids attending. Parents are allowed to sit with them if needed, and I saw a child taking his first look at school sitting on his grandmother’s lap. Teacher took the weights of the kids and tried to make them say ‘Good morning’ and tried to make them sit in the small chairs. But they were a highly energized bunch, and ran to the many toy scooters and other play equipment arranged at the back. I left them there, and went to pick them up at noon time (Full day class from Tomorrow only). They were absolutely thrilled- Raman bubbling with what all happened at the school, Kutty role-playing as teacher, Balu singing the new rhyme they learned- it goes like “veedu nalla veedu, njan piranna veedu, ammayund veettil, ammayaanu daivam” (House, the fine house where I was born, where my mother resides, my mother is my God). It seems like they had a wonderful time. :D

Our Anganwadi in Thrissur

During our search for a good playschool we visited three anganwadis in our area in Thrissur. Anganwadi is a beautiful concept – a child-care and mother-care center sponsored by the Government of India. http://www.aanganwadi.org/ says “It caters to children in the 0-6 age group. The word means "courtyard shelter" in Hindi. They were started by the Indian government in 1975 as part of the Integrated Child Development Services program to combat child hunger and malnutrition. The Anganwadi system is mainly managed by the Anganwadi worker. She is a health worker chosen from the community and given 4 months training in health, nutrition and child-care. She is in charge of an Anganwadi which covers a population of 1000”. Food is cooked in the anganwadi and given to the children. Even though its primary aim is to fight malnutrition of children from poor families, it serves as a place to impart basic education and serves as a nursery school. Although these are primarily meant for low income and economically weaker sections, anganwadi is open to all. The number of admissions is very less, somehow the people for whom it is intended are either not aware or do not want to send their kids to the Govt facility.

The one functioning in the Govt School is closest to us, and also it seemed to have the most enthusiastic teacher-ayah team. So we went there to have a detailed look. The first thing we noticed was the rough floor- unpolished terracotta. And my kids are so used to glazed tiles and soft floors. Then there are only coir mats for an afternoon nap, on the floor. My kids don’t sleep even when they lie on a comfortable bed. Then it is slightly dark inside, unlike the very well lit interiors of private preschools. However, the place is clean. They cook food using clean water; the kitchen is attached to the main room. Breakfast is a pancake or cereal cooked using a powder provided by the Government. It is a mix of nine different grains and gram. Highly nutritious it seems. Thy give it at around 10 am, but if the kids come after breakfast from home, they give it a snack at around 11 am. Lunch is rice and green gram cooked together in gruel form. If the kids want to bring their own lunch, or any curry for lunch, they can do it. I mean we can do almost whatever we want in anganwadi, very much unlike a private play school. After lunch is nap time, till 3 pm. When they wake up, they are given a snack made of broken wheat. If the kid does not want to eat it, he can take it home. At 3.30 pm, they close.

During the time between meals the kids are taught rhymes, action songs, moral stories, proverbs etc. They have prescribed syllabus- very simple stuff like ‘Teach about family, friends and relationships in the first month, School, garden and flowers and birds in the second month’ etc. By the end of the year the child learns to identify and may be write a few alphabets and learns to count till 20 or so. Then they can move on to lower kindergarten. The care and food here in an anganwadi is absolutely free, against Rs.3000/- to Rs.5000/- per month per child in a private preschool.

If it works well, it is a great concept- the anganwadi. The child is given nutritious food freshly cooked and free of cost. Basic education is given with no pressure whatsoever, and the timing and rules are also relaxed, befitting the adjusting pre-schooler. It is hygienic; there is regular inspection by the supervisors. However, it all depends on the particular anganwadi worker’s attitude. We found that some of them are very, very dedicated, and wanted to do whatever was possible for them; while some others were totally indifferent or downright discouraging- no wonder the number of kids are only 1-4 in each anganwadi. In fact, we were ready to help in whatever way we could- I mean we are getting free child care, free food (if our kids eat it), and free basic education, during the working hours when we both had to go. Since all other play schools and day care centers cost quite a lot we were saving a lot of money for three kids. So we were ready to spend money on improving the basic infrastructure of the anganwadi room if in case they needed anything. But we saw that good facilities were provided by the Govt.- good books, alphabets and picture charts, maps, activity stuff, toys, chairs, storage shelves, mats, buckets, bowls, plates etc. All they needed was a little more lighting. However not all anganwadis are fortunate like this. The main issues faced by anganwadis in Kerala are given in this post http://tripletshouse.blogspot.in/2016/01/anganwadi-in-kerala.html